Uncharted waters

I’m in uncharted waters with no map to guide me. Facing an unknown storm with no end in sight.

I didn’t think feeling this much anxiety was possible. But it’s there every morning I wake up and every night when I go to bed. Usually I can deal with it and get a break from it. But that doesn’t happen right now. Every day has become a challenge. I’m the only one in my house who can’t work from home. I offer respite services to families who have a child or children with varying abilities. I also do a lot of volunteer work and I’m a proud hockey coach for a program that is designed for children and adults with special need to be successful and play the game of hockey. I am also a “buddy” in a local baseball program catering to the same demographic. Needless to say, with everything going on right now, I can’t do any of those things.

I’m feeling a little bit lost right now. My family and I have been lucky enough to have some of the families from the hockey team drive by our house to say hello from their car. Let me tell you that every time I have to wave goodbye as they drive off, I cry. Being stuck in isolation has taught me some things. One being that those players, children, and families that I work with are what keeps me going. They are the reason I get up every morning. I miss them terribly and often tell my mom that I miss “my kids” (even though they aren’t actually mine).

My emotions tend to be in overdrive these days. I don’t bother watching the news, and have limited how much time I’m scrolling through social media. It’s hard when I get up every week day morning, and everyone else here is already working and I have to find something to do. Don’t get me wrong I know there is a lot I could be doing. But sometimes I just can’t do it because of my anxiety. Yesterday, I was stuck in my own head and lost in my thoughts. Which is not always a great place to be. Some days a win for me is getting dressed. Some days it’s taking a shower. I’m trying my very best to find some sort of routine and practice self-care but it can be hard when you’re really not supposed to leave the house except for certain situations. Life as we knew it has been turned upside down.

I went for a car ride when my mom had to go out grocery shopping a couple weekends ago. I stayed in the car, and was shocked at what I saw. The lines for the grocery store, people wearing masks and gloves while driving. Instantly my anxiety sky rocketed. It scared me and I quietly cried in the back seat. Why quietly you may ask? Because it feels like that is all I do lately and I don’t want to add to everything everyone else is already dealing with.

I sit here typing away, while the snow is flying outside. Music on the background, trying to decide what I should do with my wet hair. Another thing I’m struggling with is having problems trying to make a decision on my own. I literally go through the pros and cons or the ifs and buts, which is extremely exhausting. I feel the tension in my shoulders because I’m stressed and anxious.

I’m trying my best but some days that doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

I know what it is like to suffer in silence, and cry yourself to sleep. Or hoping you can make it through the day without crying because you’re tired of crying. I know what it’s like not to shower for days because you can’t gather up the energy to do so after a long day fighting with your mind.

Conquering mind madness.

One day at a time.

♥h.