Scrambled

I wish there was a switch or an on/off button or an intensity dial. Because today I’d hit that switch, push that on/off button and turn the dial all the way down.

Words seem to come easy to me. I remember in high school having random thoughts, feelings and sayings scribbled throughout my student planner. Song lyrics are another thing I love scribbling down whenever I have a song stuck in my head. I find it easier to collect my thoughts on paper. Write them down, type them out. And then I reread them…over and over, not obsessively. But to make sure I have a good grasp on what I have written and if it makes sense.

So, here I am. Listening to a podcast, typing away because there is so much going on in this brain of mine. I went to bed early last night, hoping to sleep through the night. Well, that did not happen. I was up, again, around 3:30 AM. This has been happening a lot. Waking up between 3:00 AM and 4:30 AM has become a new routine. I’m definitely NOT a fan. Made myself a cup of tea hoping it would help me relax and be able to go back sleep.

When I don’t sleep well my anxiety is loud and intrusive the following day. Overwhelming thoughts, racing around and around in circles in my head. Hence my mood for today… I’m all over the place. Can’t stay on a specific task for too long before I get lost in something else. I tried colouring, nope…couldn’t decide on where to start. Today laundry has been the only task I have been able to stick with. I’ve gone from my room, to the living room, to the kitchen, to the laundry room and now I’m in the home office. Desperately trying to untangle this mess in my mind. I’m trying so hard to figure out what to do, what to feel, how to deal with all of this. And it’s taking a toll on me today. Trying to untangle this mess can be exhausting.

My mom started asking me about specific emotions that I may be feeling:

“Worried?” … yes

“Scared?” … yes

“Anxious?” … 100% yes

“Lonely?” … yes

“Frustrated?” … yes, with everything

It feels good to acknowledge those feelings. But now what…? How do I fix it? There is so much out of my control right now…that’s what is driving these anxious feelings. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. Desperately trying to remember to breathe. To go slow, at my own pace. To be kind and gentle with myself as I have never been through something like this before.

As much as some people believe that anxiety can be turned on and off in the blink of an eye, it can’t. Not with the anxiety disorder I live with. It’s there and I live with it every day. I wish with everything I had that it was that simple. But it’s not.

So, for the rest of today, I’m going to take it easy. I can feel my heart racing, my chest is tight and my right leg is shaking. I’m yawning away, while Lexi is sleeping beside me, snoring. I’m very jealous of her right now. But she hasn’t left my side today and I love her for that.

Stay safe.

Be kind.

Take care of yourselves.

♥h.