Today is going to be a day…I can already tell. My body is tense, my head feels cloudy, I’m waiting for the tears to fall. I want them to fall, I want to scream. Yet, I sit here feeling almost numb. Numb because my brain is trying to push away my anxious thoughts, to hide them so I don’t have to feel them or deal with them. I can feel the tension in my chest. I just want things to be okay, but there are so many things that are out of my control. So many things I can’t fix. I’m trying to tell myself it is okay to feel so I can properly deal with my emotions but that is proving harder to do today. I’m a very emotional person and it’s almost always written across my face.
I’m struggling with my anxious thoughts and the fear of the unknown. Like I said in my post yesterday, I’m a planner, and I like routines. So, I can prepare for almost every possible situation. Some people may think it’s a good thing to do, a good quality to have. Sure, it comes in handy but it is also completely exhausting. Being ready to fight or flight at ALL times. I think that has finally caught up to me, I’ve been trying so hard to stay busy, maybe too busy.
Today feels like the perfect day to curl up in the sunshine and get lost in a book or a movie. Something simple and easy so I can give myself a break. Not something to do to stay busy, something to allow my feelings and emotions to come out. Something to allow myself to heal a little bit.
I’m exhausted. To the point where I originally typed “I’m excited” instead of exhausted. It is a day like today that I want to write, create a great blog post but trying to get the words out of my head takes so much effort. And I have to reread my post countless times. I have no idea if this will make sense to anyone reading it, but I hope it does. Today is a day where I catch myself day dreaming or staring off into space. Fixated on something simple or complex, it could be either or. It’s a day that I’m lost in my own thoughts.
I hope I can relax today; I hope I can heal today.
I hope I can cry today; I hope today gets better.
I do have hope that tomorrow will be better.