Living with anxiety I find myself apologizing for being the way I am or the way I do things. Today, is a perfect example. I texted my mom apologizing for being “a lot lately” while dealing with my concussion and everything that came with it. I’ve been through a lot since June, and I’ve been rolling with the punches ever since.
Saying sorry for everything gets exhausting. Saying sorry for being you is exhausting. And it sucks. No one should ever have to apologize for being themselves. It’s something I’m working on. Sorry…(hahahaha just kidding I’m not sorry for working on this).
I know I’ve said “this will be my year” before but I KNOW 2020 will be mine. I’m determined to make it mine. I have this feeling deep in my soul. Living with a concussion forced me to make important decisions about myself…about my health and what was best for me. It was a strange feeling but a feeling I could get used to. The holiday break I did what I needed to do to despite what others said or thought. I saw more clearly than ever who understands me, loves me and appreciates me. So, I decided to follow my gut and my heart. Choosing to love myself and for the first time in a very long time I put myself first. I choose to no longer have negative, toxic people in my life. It feels good. I need positive people who actively contribute in my life.
I believe in myself and want amazing things for myself. It is going to happen. I’m going to continue to share my struggles, my triumphs, my highs and lows. If I have learned anything over the last year is that there is STILL a stigma around mental illness(es). The past year I had to fight for the most basic things in order to be successful at school. We have come so far as a society but we can still do so much more. People don’t talk about their mental health or mental illness because of the stigmas. They don’t want to be THAT person. Well guess what, I’m okay with being THAT person. I’m okay with being the girl who talks about living with severe anxiety every day. I’m okay with being a voice for those who haven’t found theirs yet. I’m okay being an advocate. I want to see change. I want to be able to be open and honest about my life. My anxiety doesn’t define me, but it is a part of me as I deal with it every single day.
I’ve encountered people who simply don’t want to talk about it or are uncomfortable about me talking about it. I’d apologize but I can’t. This is me and this is who I am. I thank every person who has ever supported or continues to support someone living with a mental illness. I know, it is not an easy job, but please know I appreciate you. I’m one of the lucky ones because I have an incredible support system to fall back on when I’m struggling.
I guess what I’m trying to say is be kind to one another. Check in with friends and family. Do what makes you happy. Learn to love yourself and never stop fighting. Remember your illness does not define you.
2020 is going to be my year and I’m ready for it.