2020…I’m slightly terrified of you, because let’s be honest…I HATE CHANGE. But I’m trying to be optimistic and find myself constantly reciting in my head that I deserve to be happy and need to put a consistent amount of positive effort into myself.
I wish I could say it’s been easy. I wish I could say I had it all figured out. But living with post-concussion syndrome, on top of my anxiety and depression, OH and the holidays…has kicked my butt. Every day I wake up, not knowing if I’ll be dealing with an all-day headache, or if I will be irritable. It has basically turned my life upside down.
A couple of weeks ago I had to make a difficult decision when it came to school. I shed so many tears over this, I was fighting an uphill battle that felt like very few people knew what I was dealing with or if they believed me or not. So, it came down to this…
1.) Do I put myself and overall health at risk over an exam?
2.) Or should I stand up for myself, my health and what it best for me?
It wasn’t easy but I chose myself. CRAZY right?!?!?! That little voice of anxiety in my head tried to repeatedly tell me that I was a failure. After I made my decision, I didn’t know what to do. It was such an unfamiliar feeling, saying no to something and putting myself first. But I DID IT, and I’m damn proud of myself for doing it. Someone asked me recently when was it that I hit my head and I had to think about it at first, and then said a month ago. And that’s when it hit me…it had only been 30 days. And I was still holding myself to ridiculous high standards, even though I was dealing with symptoms every day!
I tried my best to take it easy over Christmas and remember that I was dealing with a lot. Yes, unfortunately I missed out on things but I had to do what was best for me at the time. December 26th, I could not decide if I should go to a family function out of town, or stay home. I didn’t attend the big family Christmas the day before, which was hard. On Thursday half of me wanted to stay home and the other half was telling me to go. I cried, because I couldn’t make a decision. I know that seems silly, but believe me…I deal with that more often than anyone knows (except for my Mom as she usually makes the decisions for me). I sat in my aunt and uncle’s kitchen and enjoyed myself, but I knew as time went on I could feel a headache coming back. So, I quietly excused myself, went up to my cousins room, took out my iPod, headphones and colouring book and settled in. I’m so blessed to have family that understands and allows me to be me.
Life is still throwing me curve balls but I’ve been doing my best to deal with them right away instead of pushing them off to the side. Standing up for myself when I need to, because I’ve decided that 2020 is going to be my year. 2020 is going to be different, I’m going to be different. I’m putting myself first and no one will stop me. This means I’m going to have to leave some things behind. I will need to close certain chapters of my life that I’ve been holding onto. This stuff is heavy and some of it is going to be difficult, but I can’t carry it anymore. It’s too heavy and is only causing me pain, grief and heartache.
2020…I hope you are good to me.
P.S. I have NO idea what I’d do without Lexi