So, because I apparently don’t have enough going on inside my head, life decided I needed to experience a concussion too. I’ve been dealing with it and all that comes with it for 3 weeks now. The pounding constant headache, sensitivity to sound and light at times and inability to concentrate was beyond anything I have ever experienced. So, ALL that just intensified my depression and anxiety. The concussion made reading, studying and school, in general, very difficult. I didn’t like the way it was making me feel. There was so much going on inside my brain, I didn’t know how to deal. At times I was trying so hard to think, and other times I was trying hard not to. The emotional rollercoaster I was on previous to my concussion just flipped upside down and increased speed.
Thursday, I finally broke down. I couldn’t do what I was doing anymore. Whatever it was. I felt it coming in the pit of my stomach and knew I what I had to do. I went to go find my mom. She held me up while I sobbed in her arms. I couldn’t be strong anymore; I couldn’t make myself think everything was okay. I wanted to scream and yell but all I could do was cry. I managed to stop crying long enough to eat dinner, but I realized after dinner that I wasn’t done crying yet. I had more that needed to be let out. So there I was in my room, sobbing uncontrollably…again. I felt broken and confused. I wished my head would stop hurting. I wished I wasn’t so irritable. I wanted my concussion to go away and my depression and anxiety to take it easy on me. I was so tired of fighting and living like this. It’s been 3 weeks of living with this concussion and I am ALL done with it. I wish it would just leave, but I know it doesn’t work like that.
I haven’t cried like that in a very long time. I could feel my body tremble as all these built up emotions finally came out. I had two boxes of Kleenex going. My face was blotchy, and eyes were red. I didn’t want to have to put a smile on my face anymore, I wanted to just let it all out. I didn’t want to be strong. So, Thursday night I broke, but I believe it was for the best. I needed it to happen. Thursday, I broke, but my Mom was there to pick up the pieces, until I was ready to put them back together. I’ve slowly been putting them back together, taking my time, knowing what I’ve been dealing with for 3 weeks. This concussion has taught me to listen to my body even more. To rest when I need to, to ask for help when I need to. To push myself but to also know when to stop.
The other part of this is the fact that my anxiety would make me more paranoid and so I was dealing with that too. I hated how my head felt. I’m still dealing with some symptoms. Still dealing with intense amounts of anxiety but I’m still here. I’m fighting twice as hard as I usually have to, but I keep going. Because I know the fog will clear soon.