I’m still here

You know what’s hard? Telling yourself to keep going even after another setback has come into your path. Another roadblock to defer you into the unknown. After facing roadblocks and setbacks you find yourself wandering alone looking for those who said they’d never leave you alone in the dark. But time has passed and they’ve moved on without you. You’re left confused and don’t know what went wrong or when. There’s no explanation. You’ve just become a part of their past. After you’ve picked yourself up off the floor…again…you realize that you did all that by yourself because everyone who said they’d never leave you alone in the dark, did.

Sometimes the roadblocks and setbacks are too much to handle on your own. So, you look around for your friends. But some of them have cut you out of their life, just like that. Some of them live far away. Some simply don’t get it and leave you to fend on your own. The thing is we aren’t looking for someone to fight our roadblocks or overcome our setbacks for us. We are looking for those who cheer us on from the sidelines, those who will wipe away our tears after you’ve been crying on their shoulder for half an hour.

One very important lesson I’ve learned over the years is that no matter how much you think you have prepared for something; one roadblock can send your entire world upside down. That happened to me when I hit my head and suffered a concussion. My life has been upside down ever since. Living with it and my mental illnesses it has made me realize how quickly some people are able to push me aside because I’m struggling. How many people are actually on my side cheering me on and how many left because I was inconvenient to them.

That “best friend” who said they loved you and would always be there for you…but you don’t hear from them anymore.

That friend who said she understood when you had to cancel plans…but then stopped inviting you to things anyway.

That friend who made you believe they would never up and leave. But did so anyway.

I don’t think I’m asking for much. A conversation over the phone, a text, a Facebook message…

Whatever the “normal” was before I began struggling.

I really am the same person; I just need some extra love and extra understanding because what I’m going through is a lot to handle and no one should ever have to do that on their own. Or have some important people in their life simply disappear on them. If you don’t understand what I’m going through, or you don’t know what to say, just be honest. I’d rather a “I’m sorry you’re going through this; how can I help?” instead of silence. Or a “I’ve never been through what you’re going through but I’ll be here to support you through it” instead of nothing.

A simple “hey thinking of you” message would go a long way. I don’t need anything fancy nor do I want anything fancy.

I want to be loved, understood and appreciated just as I would as someone who didn’t have a chronic mental illness, or had all their $h!t together.

I want to be thought of as Hilary first.


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