An Uphill Battle

Medication changes are hard. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through in my life, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve done it now. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression 10 years ago. That fact right there, just boggles my mind…it feels like just yesterday that I was sitting in my doctor’s office. It has been a long, crazy, emotional battle. The past 2 years I think have been my most difficult, yet I’ve grown the most in those 2 years. I’ve really come to terms with living with mental illnesses and that some people understand that, and some don’t. I just keep going, keep fighting. Why, you may ask? Because every day I wake up is a new battle. I don’t know if something that gave me anxiety yesterday will cause me severe pain and distress today. Living with a mental illness has shown me that no two days will ever be the same. A crowded grocery store, having all eyes on me, elevators, concerts, basically anything new, getting my nails done, or even a room full of people I love could at any point become to much. To the point where I need to escape. I need to find a way out, whether that be literally leaving, or listening to music, hiding in a bathroom until I calm down, or calling my mom. Yes, after 10 years I like to think I have a pretty decent grasp on what my “triggers” are. But it’s not that simple. I still have my moments. And yes, I’m still hard on myself for having those moments, because my anxiety tells me I need to be prepared for everything all of the time. If that isn’t completely exhausting, I don’t know what is.

The past year I’ve felt like I’ve been constantly fighting an uphill battle and as soon as I make up a little bit of ground, something happens to knock me back down a few steps. I’ve loved a lot; I’ve lost a lot and had my heart broken a few times. Too many people I knew were taken from this world too early. I was in car accident back in early December, (which was an experience in itself), only to get a summons to appear as a witness in court 7 months later, (ALSO an experience in itself). I struggled during the winter with so much anxiety that I couldn’t leave the house. Because that was fun to go through while in the 2nd term of my first year of university. People I love very deeply were diagnosed with really intense illnesses. I cried waaaay too many tears over a boy who never deserved me or my tears. I had a completely exhausting summer, with so many ups and downs, it still makes my head hurt. But I made some really amazing friendships that I know will last. I’ve had people come in and out of my life, some literally just say “hey, how are you doing?” and I respond to them and then that’s it. End of conversation. Who the heck knew at 27 years old, I’d still be figuring out who I can count on and who has basically left me on my own. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and love with my entire being. It’s brought me some beautiful relationships and people in my life, but it’s also caused me some pain. Would I change it? Nope, not for a single second. This term, at school, I’ve decided to only take 3 courses, and I’m so thankful I did. But with this latest med change, which begun the first week of classes, it’s been rough. I’ve already missed some classes because of the effects of medication withdrawal and what not. And I’m already feeling the impacts of that. I’m so lucky to have the support system I have and for all that I have been blessed with, but I had a conversation today, about how I’m still fighting this battle, I’m still on this damn hill and feel like I haven’t gone far. How I wish life could just be easy for once. I know, it may sound silly, but I’m getting pretty damn exhausted. I won’t give up though, because I am no quitter.

I sit here, with my headphones in, listening to sappy country music with Lexi at my feet and tears rolling down my cheeks. Exhausted from an emotional day but also preparing myself for tomorrow. Because I will take this journey, this battle, this fight, and conquer it one day at a time for as long as I have to.

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