A decision to be made

I’ve come to a fork in the road. I’m at a crossroad in my journey. And I don’t know what to do…do I turn around, do I go left, right, up, or down….? I fight my own mind every day. Constantly dealing with and sorting through anxiety ridden thoughts and feelings. Remembering what is real and what I can control. But my anxiety is so persistent that I do this almost every second of every day. It’s the way my brain works. I’m forever fighting off negative self-talk and feelings of being not good enough.

And I’ve come to learn that people won’t always believe me when I say I have anxiety and depression. I could tell them everything that I have gone through, the medication, doctors notes and yet it still would not be good enough for some people. And that is one of the most frustrating things ever.

We have come a long way in recognizing mental illness, don’t get me wrong. But yet here I sit with tears running down my face because I’m fighting for things I shouldn’t have to be fighting for. The stigma is still out there. People say they understand but they don’t. People say they will help but they don’t. People say they will accommodate but they don’t. People talk a lot of talk and make things look pretty on the outside, but it’s people like me who find out and must deal with the fact that things haven’t changed. Steps aren’t in place. Things aren’t right.

So here I am, battling my own mind and having to stick up for myself and fight for what I deserve. Mental illness hasn’t stopped me yet and it’s not about to stop me now.

Here I stand at this crossroad, a choice to be made. Not sure which way to turn, but I know I’ll figure out which way is best for me.

This is what my mental illness looks like.

One thought on “A decision to be made

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  1. Strength and hope. You are beautiful. You are enough. Other peoples’ opinions don’t matter. Let them go, they are not worth it. Yes, the system doesn’t support you enough. But, keep standing up for yourself. And eventually you will find the people who will be on your side and work for you. My son has recently had some good luck in this. I found it came from not being afraid to ask for what you need, to be a bit of a shit disturber. In our culture, sometimes this is perceived as being pushy. (People use that word about me all the time. I’ve come to see myself as persistent, assertive and not afraid to speak up for myself and my son who has challenges.) Assertiveness is just being direct, realizing what your needs are and asking that they be met. There is nothing wrong with you. You developed with a highly attuned sensitivity and most likely empathy. You need to be empathetic to yourself now. Forget about the rest of them. Comfort yourself first. Hope you have a peer group of supporters. Others who walk in your shoes. Many of us suffer from one level of anxiety or another. It is tough. Stay present. Meditate. Focus on things you love to do. Surround yourself with people who can understand. Even if it’s only one or two people. I have found that every person with whom I share my son’s story, has a story themselves. It is amazing what we can do by speaking up about our mental health struggles. You are as Karen says, a maverick, a leader. It is always hard to be spearheading the charge. Hoping that you will soon be joined by many more people who feel like you.

    Liked by 1 person

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