A Blessing and a Curse

*Medication update…the newest one, didn’t work. So now I’m currently coming off that medication, under my psychiatrist’s supervision and will be starting a new medication in 4 days. Let me tell you that I cannot wait to have this drug out of my system. I’ve been battling feeling lightheaded, dizzy, nausea, more depressed, irritable and I cried even more than I previously did…(which I did not think was possible), I was always tired and never felt like I could catch up on my sleep.*

I wish I could say I had an easy summer, but it was rough. Between my job, my mental health and figuring out everything else in between. It went by in the blink of an eye, and I still feel like I’m recovering. I’ve really struggled with feeling alone over the summer. Living with my mental illnesses has caused me to feel like the “forgotten friend” more times than I care to admit. Everyone else’s life is moving in one direction and I feel like I’m back here still trying to figure out the basics. I’m still trying to figure out how to live my best life, which I am okay with. I just wish that everyone in my life understood that. Trying to figure out which medication works for you is a struggle, and unless you’ve gone through it personally you really have no idea what it’s like.

If I had a dime for every time I have felt left out or forgotten this summer…man I’d have a lot of dimes. I got used to being invited to things and I don’t know maybe I took that for granted. But when you see friends sharing pictures on social media and being tagged in posts and you’re in none of them, it hits you that you’ve been forgotten. Maybe it wasn’t on purpose, maybe it was an honest mistake. But it’s my worst nightmare…coming true. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again… I’m used to people leaving. I’d give you a list if I wanted to call people out, but I’m not like that. I hold my hurt in, instead of calling people out, but I wear my heart on my sleeve. I take things to heart that most people wouldn’t even give a second thought. It’s a blessing and a curse. My heart was broken a couple times over the summer, and I’m still dealing and processing with those loses. 

I know I can be flakey and cancel plans. But they are for a very good reason every time. I could be battling extra hard that day, a fight not everyone understands. But that is why I blog. To share my experiences…to share my knowledge. If you’re having a problem with a friend, or have a concern with your friendship with them, talk to them. Because I can guarantee, if they are like me, they’ve noticed, and they think it’s all their fault. If you don’t understand what they’re going through, just ask. I met up with a new friend I made from work this summer, we went out for breakfast. I started opening up about my anxiety and why I do things the way I do. I told her that whenever I’m going somewhere new to eat, I must look up the menu and if there is parking and where that may be. I need to calculate the right amount of time it will take me to get there, and I like to be around 10 minutes early. When sitting down I don’t like to have my back to the rest of the room…I need to be able to see what is going on. I also need to know the quickest way to get out, of anywhere. I shared most of my quirks with her for over an hour, and she sat there, listened and asked questions. It was one of the most beautiful conversations I’ve ever had. She kept apologizing for asking me questions, but her asking questions was so refreshing. I then asked her if she ever noticed how at work meetings I always sat at the back, at the end of the row, near the exit. And I’ll never forget the look on her face…she said, “oh my god, I had no idea all of that went through your head every time.” I laughed and replied, “fight or flight baby, it’s all I ever do”. 

Even though I’ve gone through A LOT living with a mental illness, I wouldn’t change it. It has made me who I am today. It has given me faith, understanding, patience and I never take anything for granted. I’ve been at the lowest of lows, but those experiences have allowed me to help others and I wouldn’t change that for the world.