Heart & Mind on the Mend

Medication changes are never fun, but my psychiatrist and I came up with a plan to conquer the latest change I was going to go through. Two weeks of weaning myself off of my old medication by decreasing the dosage each week. Last week was the start of the new medication, with the smallest dosage. I’m not sure if it was my body going through withdrawal or a side effect of the new medication or both, but I dealt with some serious light headedness and dizziness each morning. And I’m not going to lie, I got scared. A number of years ago, my doctor switched me to a new medication and a couple weeks into taking it I developed a stutter. It felt like my tongue was too big for my mouth. At first, I thought it was “all in my head”, but then other people started to notice… Needless to say I stopped taking that medication. It was an extremely terrifying experience and so now that experience is always stuck in the back of my head whenever I start a new medication change.

I’m going on my second week of taking this new medication and so far, so good. I mean I do find myself more emotional than usual. But the dizziness isn’t as bad this week. Next week, I go up another 20 mg. So in total, when I get to the correct dosage my psychiatrist wants me on, this medication change will have happened over the course of 5 weeks. Just before school starts, because I did not want to go through this while going back to school.

When I saw my psychiatrist in July, he suggested two things to me… to quit my job and start dating. Well I have done one of the two. I told him I didn’t have time to date. Dating has never been easy for me, especially while living with anxiety and depression. I’ll never forget when I was told to stop watching any sort of Law and Order, Criminal Minds or The First 48 type TV shows because they were what was making me depressed………….if I remember correctly I actually laughed out loud when the guy I was seeing at the time said that to my face. And others simply just didn’t get my “quirks”. I found myself explaining why I was on medication, why I could go to a party last weekend but not this coming weekend, too often. Each past relationship has allowed me to grow and realize that if they don’t want to understand what I deal with on a daily basis they aren’t for me. If they can’t “deal” with me asking a million questions, or wanting to stay in, or randomly start crying in the middle of a crowd, they don’t deserve me. Something that seems so small, (like going out for dinner), that they have done with girlfriends in the past, could be difficult for me to do. And plus, WHO doesn’t like being compared to an ex…

Ever since he asked me about if I’m dating and why I’m not, that question has been stuck in the back of my head. Why am I not? Well let me tell you…the last guy I opened up to about allllllll my anxiety quirks, depression mindsets, medications, etc… well he left. I gave him a piece of my heart and a part of my soul, and then he disappeared. Like, gone…for days/weeks over a span of a couple of months. *Insert my anxiety ridden brain and overthinking mind which led to a cloud of depression following me around. * No matter how many times he left, I waited for and wanted him to come back. I was there for him during the difficult times he faced, but too often I found myself alone dealing with my own difficulties. We promised that no matter what happened between us, we’d always be there for each other. He told me he wasn’t going to be like all the others, who have left. Our conversations became shorter, my phone stopped ringing, my messages were going unanswered. Well then, I was then stuck wondering what I had done wrong (which was nothing). I started to doubt myself and had these awful negative self-image thoughts constantly running through my head. “I wasn’t pretty enough” and “I wasn’t thin enough” and I BELIEVED it. I hate to admit it but I did. My self-worth was depleting before my very eyes. And my mental illnesses were feeding off it.

Until recently, one day, I got really angry. I was tired of crying over someone who didn’t give two shits about staying true to his word. I was tired of letting my deepest insecurities win. I looked at myself in the mirror and it hit me. I AM beautiful, and I AM proud of the body I have. I do not have to change for anyone. Looking back now, I’m ashamed that I let my own self-worth deplete because of a silly boy.

Well I’m currently feeling 100% over that boy and 100% confident in myself. I decided not to let my insecurities get the best of me. To anyone reading this remember to love yourself first and look after yourself first. If someone doesn’t add value to your life, let them go. If they don’t accept you and all of your quirks, or make you second guess your place in their life, let them go. Someone out there will love you and accept you for all the things you thought you had to change or fix. I promise you that. 

r.h. Sin. wrote “while i was so full of love you were simply full of shit” and if that doesn’t perfectly describe what happened I don’t know what will.