Summer determination

It has been awhile. Life got busy and I have been dealing with a lot. But I’m sorry for being gone for so long. It is so crazy how quickly time flies, I can’t believe it is already August. This summer, so far, has been one for the books. I’ve battled, I’ve fought, I’ve cried and I’ve grown.

I guess I have been avoiding blogging because I have been avoiding dealing with all the emotions I’ve let build up. I’ve been fighting a battle I never imagined I’d have to fight, but it’s so close to my heart that I couldn’t NOT fight it. It almost broke me, a couple of times. But after a visit with my psychiatrist, I felt better. Having my feelings validated and understood on that Saturday morning, did wonders for my mental health. From that point on, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to make decisions that would put me first. It wasn’t an easy decision but I knew with the withdrawal I was about to go through, coming off one medication and onto another, I would need time for my body to adjust. I knew I would need to be in a place to get into a new routine and a good place before school starts.

Today, I broke. I was sobbing in my room, with my music turned up because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. But my mom did. Today, I felt alone, exhausted, and overwhelmed all at the same time. I’ve been so busy with work and volunteering that I did my best to push aside my feelings. Yesterday, I started to feel my walls slowly crumbling. I knew it wouldn’t be long before they completely crumbled and the tears would start to fall. It happened this morning. Feelings came flooding in after waking up from a dream involving someone who is no longer in my life, by his own choices. I try my best to put on a brave face, and act like I’m not completely heartbroken when it comes to how things have turned out, but I can only wear that face for so long. I’m a person who feels so deeply, and most of those who know me will agree. I won’t lie, when it comes to him I try my very best not to think about what has happened. Because it simply hurts too much, it’s an wound that will never heal, a scab that will never fully close.

I’m exhausted, have puffy eyes and feel like I was hit by a bus, after my anxiety attack this morning. I have so much more to say and share, but my eyelids are heavy and my brain is telling me that this blog post is enough for right now. It’s been a wild, crazy summer so far.  I’ll share as much as I can, as soon as I can. I forgot how good writing feels. I forgot the feeling of freedom that comes with sharing my story and bearing my soul to whom ever reads this.

Sending love and light, I promise to write again sooner than later.

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