A few days & a whole lot of struggle

It has been awhile and for that I am sorry. Life has been crazy busy lately and things were going well, until this past week happened. They say that when it rains it pours…that is exactly what happened to me. I had 3 intense anxiety attacks in 4 days.

First one, came late Monday night, almost Tuesday morning…and it was about school. It came as a complete shock and it felt like I was actually broken into two. I was devastated. All I read was one phrase and that was all I needed to read. I still can’t get it out of my head. My world was rocked and I feel like I have failed. Everything I had worked for, seemed to be falling apart…just like that. Completely out of my control. It was around 11:30 p.m. and everyone was already asleep in my house and I didn’t want to wake them up to the sobbing, heart-broken me. I cried so many tears that night. I trembled and shook. Curled up into a ball on my bed, immediately thinking the world as I knew it was ending. I had shared the news I received with my parents and my sister, knowing they would see it when they checked their phones in the morning. Probably about an hour and a half later, (once I had finally sorta calmed down), my Mom had woken up and came into my room to see if I was okay. I told her that I wasn’t okay and that I was generally numb from the awful anxiety attack my mind and body had just gone through. I’m pretty sure I fell asleep with tears still falling that night. Tuesday during the day was a blur, I spent the day in bed, crying on and off trying to wrap my head around what happened. My eyes were swollen and bloodshot, my head was pounding and I was so tired.

Wednesday…something happened that brought up a lot of old and somewhat painful memories and once again I broke. In my room, crying, because I couldn’t face something that was so hurtful.

Thursday morning…okay here we go…gonna have a good day…and then the doorbell rang. And having a good day went completely out of the window. Another anxiety attack. I called my mom sobbing, to the point where my sister had to take the phone because I couldn’t talk without hyperventilating and my mom couldn’t understand me. Ugh. So much fear, so much left to the unknown…I was stuck feeling really broken. Mom came home from work and the first thing I said with tears streaming down my face was “I didn’t need this today”…

I have no clue how many tears I cried. I can tell you that I went through two boxes of kleenex and even now, I’m still feeling the effects of my anxiety filled week. My body is sore and physically aches, my mind is exhausted yet my thoughts are still going at a high rate of speed. My soul is tired from the extreme battle I fought and needs some time to take care of itself. And there is also a little piece of my heart that is broken, but THAT is a completely different story for a different day.

It has been a trying week, where by Thursday evening I found myself just sitting on the kitchen floor, alone. Just sitting there, so exhausted, with no energy to move. I did eventually get up, because I always get up when I get knocked down. It might not be right away but I will eventually get up.

I’d be lying if I said I’m not anxious about my future. Or that I secretly wish I could pretend nothing bad happened this week. But I can’t. I’ve got to fight for myself, for my dreams and will do so one day at a time.

♥ hil



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