Panic & determination

I could cry right now. Why? I’m not really sure and I don’t know if they would be happy tears or sad tears. But I know they are there. I had a volunteer info meeting tonight that I made it too, and socialized! I knew most of the people involved, but those 2 hours took so much out of me. I came home and with the Raptors game on in the background, the conversations going on at the dining room table and my own screaming thoughts, I sat there and had to plug my ears. It was too much. There was so much going on even though I was home with my family. Panic. Panic. Panic. I needed to escape. So I grabbed my stuff and I’m now in my room in my pajamas, typing this.

It was like everything happening around me started going faster and faster and the noise was getting louder and louder and I couldn’t make it stop. I could feel my chest tightening and my pulse started to race. It hit me out of the blue. My pulse is back to normal but chest is still tight, so tight that I can’t take a deep breath. My thoughts are kind of slowing down, writing is helping. I really don’t want to cry, not tonight. I would cry what I refer to as “silent tears”. They start, and just roll down my cheeks. I wouldn’t be sobbing or gasping for air. They’d just roll down my face, making my t-shirt wet and taking my mascara with them. They’re silent but they are there, and could last for an hour. I’d have to blink multiple times just to read my laptop screen. Eventually they would stop, and I’d have pieces of cried off mascara on my face.

It would be so nice not to cry, because I do enough of it. And I want to fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. I don’t want to toss and turn for hours like I have done all week. I don’t want to feel my legs twitch so much that they wake me up. 

What I’m trying to say is, I’m thankful for my family accepting me for me. I’m thankful for knowing my body and knowing when I’ve had too much and need a break. I’m thankful for today. And look forward to tomorrow and whatever it may bring, because I’ve come this far and nothing will stop me now. 

♥ hk