I had a really good day this week. Smiling was constant and laughing was effortless. And I wish I could live like that every day. Where the battle I fight is small and things are just easy. Getting out of bed isn’t a struggle and my anxiety is at a minimum. I dream for that day. I know I’m capable of it…one day. Some days it just feels like that day is farther away.
Today, was a rough one. From the moment I woke up… at 4:13 am. Tossed and turned, tossed and turned for hours. What on earth could I possibly be thinking about then… you’d actually be surprised where the mind wanders when you actually should be sleeping. I finally gave up, picked up my journal and a pen and wrote down every thought I was having at the time. I think I did this for about 25 minutes. Just random thoughts, memories, ideas, whatever was going through my head…I had to get it out. Since most people are sleeping at that time, writing it down was the only way I could slow down my thoughts. I’ve taken some of what I scribbled in my journal and I’m using it here. I always said I would be honest, so here I am.
Recently in my psychology class, we talked about psychological disorders. This may sound weird but it was so refreshing to read about generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder and depression in my text-book. My mental illness does not define me but every once in a while it’s a good reminder that I did NOT choose this and what I’m living with is real. I don’t like labels… I prefer not to be known as that girl who is depressed or that girl who is awkwardly nervous all the time. There is nothing worse than being referred to as your illness.
I couldn’t help but giggle when reading some of the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder in my textbook. Not because they are funny but because I could put a check mark beside them. Some of them I even wanted to highlight and underline, being like “yaaaasssssss, this!”
- Excessive and uncontrollable worry – yup
- Jittery – yup
- Agitated – when extremely anxious yup
- Sleep deprived – goodness gracious yes
- Difficulty concentrating – yup
- Continually tense – yup
- Apprehensive – yupppppp!!!
Typing these out just now, has led me to ease up on myself for having a bad day. Yes, it was extremely annoying, and I totally cried in the shower before writing this…but that’s okay. Because I know more good days are ahead…but it’s the bad ones that I am reminded of my strength.