It became apparent to me during my CBT sessions that I hold myself to ridiculously high standards. Looking back now, I realized that I’ve done this since I was in elementary school. Standards and expectations that are so high I subconsciously know that I will NEVER meet them. You may wonder why on earth I would do this…why would I set myself up for failure?! The things I hold against myself, I would give my best friend $h!t for. I would tell them over and over again that doing their best was all that mattered. TRYING was all that mattered. I’m working on loving myself like I love my best friends. I’m working on talking to myself like I talk to my best friends. The fact that I’m sitting here writing about it means that I have made progress. That I recognize what I’m doing to myself and call it out before I completely sabotage myself. Depression, tries to take away your self-worth. It tries to eat away at the progress you have made, no matter how small or how big.
University has opened my eyes to these HIGH standards and expectations I want to hold myself to. I’ve been out of post-secondary school for 5 years now. Going back to school is a new process and new normal I’m still trying to get used to. It’s increased my anxiety a lot… so much that I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist once a month since school started. We decided to increase my dosage of the antidepressant and antianxiety medication. So far, it seems to be working (knock on wood). I haven’t failed anything and I’ve been trying my best. I know, that I have room for improvement but I also know that I’m putting too much pressure on myself. I’m holding myself to HIGH standards that I know I can’t meet.
I’ve second guessed myself, too many times to actually count…
“Did I make the right decision applying to University?”
“Should I have accepted the offer?”
“Is this where I should be??”
“Am I going to fail?”
That’s the anxiety talking…
Thankfully my mom and my sister have been here to remind me that I can do this. That I do belong and that so far I am doing amazing, unlike what my brain is telling me. I have to remind myself that I’ve gone through a big change and it’s taking me some time to adjust to my new life. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s going to be okay…I’m going to be okay.
My anxiety and depression will not consume me…and they will not take away my dreams.