Sunday October 21st 2018…
I could tell you I’ve been feeling good, but I’d be lying.
I could tell you I’ve been trying my best and that’s the truth.
I wish I could put it into words exactly what has been hanging over my head. But I’ll try my best to describe it. It was this dark, ugly looming cloud that followed me around. It poked at me when I was sleeping and kept me up for hours on end. I got so lost trying to find my way out of its ugliness that it completely consumed me. There was no smile on my face, just dark circles under my eyes. Every day was an uphill battle… it felt like I was climbing with a 15 lbs sack on my back, in the pouring rain. With a pit stop every 20 ft, to second guess myself about going in the right direction. Trying to figure out if I should turn around or keep going… it’s been rough.
I can’t put my finger on one specific event that caused me to feel this way. Nor can I say what the problem really was, just know that it completely drained and consumed me.
Tuesday October 23rd 2018…
Last week was almost unbearable. I was not myself at all and life seemed that much harder. Not the living part, but everything else that comes with life. I guess you could say the busyness got to me. I was overwhelmed and afraid. I had this feeling that something bad was going to happen, and that I would somehow forget all the progress I have made. That I somehow, would go back in time and have to start my journey of living with mental illnesses all over again. It would be brand new and I’d be lost. I thought I would lose all the tools that I’ve worked so hard to master. Just like that…they would be gone. I lost faith in myself. It wasn’t until yesterday that I started to feel “normal” again. The fog had finally lifted and I had faith again. I don’t know if it was the change in weather but last week brought me feelings I never want again.
Last week my depression won. My anxiety worked along with it and they tried their best to control me. But I got so tired of feeling that way. I pulled myself out of it. I had faith to do so, and that’s enough. I reminded myself that struggling, is okay. It happens. If I gave you a list of stuff I’ve been faced and dealt with since August, you’d be shocked. Shocked that I kept it together as long as I did. Looking back now, I see that. But last week no one would have been able to tell me that. Last week I felt like a failure, just going through the motions. Yet, here I am. It’s a new week, and I feel better. I feel happy again. I have my energy back.
What I’m trying to say is…don’t give up. Your battle may seem endless until one day the sun shines again and you’re reminded of how capable you are. I know… you’re probably thinking ahh she’s full of it. I’ve been there too. But then you find yourself finding the joy in some of the smallest things. And slowly over time, you can actually feel you gaining that control back. You’re winning. It’ll take a lot of work. Hard work that leaves you exhausted and emotional but it’ll be worth it.
Don’t believe in yourself? Find someone who does because I promise you there is. Find someone who will text you every morning, even if it’s just to say hi. Find someone who will love you when loving yourself is the last possible thing you want to do. Because guess what…you are worth it.
Now this part is for all of you out there who are THAT someone for somebody. T H A N K Y O U !!!!!! You make it easier on us and knowing that we have someone who will be there to pick up all the pieces and cheer us on while we put them back together is a beautiful thing. You can be the driving force for us and often we forget to say thank you. My heart goes out to each one of you for sticking by someone through their darkest moments. I truly believe it’s a gift. Because you could have simply walked away when $h!t hit the fan…but you didn’t. You stayed and you believed.
Sending love and light to those who need it.
Sending a hug and a high-five too.
Conquering mind madness… one day at a time. ♥