Sundays have been notoriously hard for me. A brand new week just about to start, where will it take me…where will I go? My mind wishes I had a crystal ball…so I could look into the future to prepare myself for whatever I might face. (And in my head the possibilities are endless). Because god forbid, something random and unexpected happen. But if I’m expecting it to happen it won’t be as bad right? If I know it’s coming I’ll be ready…right? Wrong. I’ve learned first hand that I can plan and plan and expect something to go one way to then have it all go out the window. And guess what I’ve made it out okay…I just have to constantly remind myself of that. “You’ve faced $h!t like this before…you can do it again – I promise.” Of course there have been times where I planned and prepared, thought I felt great but I crumbled when the time came. And guess what I made it okay then too. Crazy…I know.
I’ve always said I’m not good at waiting. Ugh, I hate it. You know those couple of hours before you have to be somewhere? That amount of time leading up to something… well we don’t mix well. “I can’t do this…” “I never should have said yes” “what if…” “I want to go home” “I’m not getting out of the car” – these are thoughts all to familiar to me, and those closest to me…guaranteed I’m texting my mom, my sister or my bestie those exact messages. And they talk me down…they’re pretty good at that.
Living with anxiety has given me a lot of quirks. When I go out and I know I’m going to be out for a while 95% of the time I will have a backpack or a large purse with me. Usually included are… an emergency cosmetic kit…(eyeliner, mascara, chapstick, deodorant, hair elastics – 5 of them, etc). There’s usually a bottle of water, medication, kleenex, hand sanitizer, small colouring book and pencil crayons (depending on where I’m going) and I will take my weighted blanket anywhere possible. Honestly you’d probably be surprised by what I carry around with me, because you just never know when you’ll need 5 extra hair elastics right?
Oh, and you better believe there is also a hair elastic around my wrist because I’ll start playing with it the moment I start to feel anxiety coming on. Nail polish chipped on one finger and feeling anxious? Pfft… every finger now has nail polish chipped off. My family, bless their hearts, lets me pick which spot at the table I want when we go out to eat. It’s usually with my back against the wall so I can see everything, in the corner but also at the end…for a quick getaway if I need it. Oh, and I’m almost always early for everything. At a stadium or arena I don’t like sitting up too high. Unless there is no one sitting behind me. I really don’t like elevators. I’m also that person who when shopping reorganizes things on shelves. I said I like being prepared right?
For someone who has never experienced anxiety, imagine trying to plan out every second of your day…every day. For every possible encounter, outcome, journey or problem you may face. NOW, you have to try to leave your house. You’ve changed your outfit 7 times, you somehow misplaced your phone between your bedroom and the front door, you’re sweating, you’re pretty sure your dog can hear your heart beating out of your chest, your legs feel like they could buckle out from underneath you at anytime, you swear you forgot something, and NOW you’re running late. Holding back tears…you finally make it out of the house. You do this every day. After tossing and turning the night before because you couldn’t stop thinking.
My phone has been pretty silent this weekend (Yes, I understand everyone is busy). But half of my brain is telling me that it’s my own fault, I’m to blame, no one likes me…blah blah blah. The other half of my brain tells that part of my brain to shut up. It’s a constant battle to see which one I’ll believe more.
Is my life.