Insomnia & me

My first day of classes went super well!!! A few hiccups but I stuck with it and figured it out. I feel like I’m in the right place… of course I’m still nervous. This week will be my first full week of classes, so I’ll finally be able to get into a routine again. 

Insomnia, unfortunately, was my best friend Friday night. I got 0 hours of sleep. My brain simply would not stop thinking. Just random thoughts, over and over again. I tried reading, I coloured for a while, laid there in the dark, kept refilling my essential oil diffuser when it would run out of water. But nothing worked. So honestly, I gave up trying. I knew sleep was not in my future so I grabbed my laptop and watched Netflix. 

My dad and my sister were both away yesterday, so I was up to go to our local market with my Mom. I yawned a lot, carried our groceries and even got breakfast out of the deal. I thought it would work, walking around at the market, having breakfast with my cousin, put all the food away when we got home. I was feeling tired… so I grabbed my weighted blanket, pillow, my diffuser, my meds and my laptop and headed on down to the basement. This was around 10 am…. I didn’t fall asleep until 5 pm. Tossed and turned, cried a little and then tossed and turned some more. I slept for a whole 2 hours until Lexi woke me up because she was super excited to see my Dad. So since Friday… I’ve gotten 5 hours of sleep. My body is tired, my mind won’t stop thinking, and my emotions are high. I’m just waiting to break. 

There’s something I’ve been having a rough time with lately… last weekend we had a wonderful family weekend away. I lasted until about half way through the first day. And then my anxiety took over. Instant tears… it was a horrible feeling I couldn’t shake and loomed over me like a dark cloud. “You’re ruining everything” … “You’re no fun” … all weekend long, those were the thoughts I dealt with. 

This weekend again… because I haven’t slept, my everything is exhausted… I couldn’t make it to a football game. After 3 hours of sleep and breaking down crying to my Mom this morning, plans for this evening are up in the air. 

My family is so supportive, I don’t know what I’d do without them. I’ve got some decisions to make but all I really truly want is sleep and my mind to stop going into overdrive. I wish it wasn’t so difficult. But these are the cards I’ve been dealt and I’m thankful for being able to share my story here.