I wrote this at 9:15 am
Tomorrow is the start of a new chapter in my life. My summer job consumed most of my time and energy, so I didn’t have an opportunity to think about school. Which was totally a good thing. But since work ended on Friday… I haven’t stopped thinking about school and the unknown. My anxiety has consumed every inch of my being since then. I haven’t been sleeping well. I don’t have an appetite and all I want to do is cry.
I’ve tried expressing my feelings and I get the “you’re not the only one in that boat. There are others going through the same thing”. So I’m going to write down all the thoughts I’ve had running through my head. Just to give you an idea of what I have been dealing with…
“You’re too old to be going into first year of university.”
“You’re not going to fit in because you’re so old.”
“This was a mistake, why did you ever think this would be a good idea?”
“You should never have applied.” *insert tears here*
“You’ve been out of post secondary for 5 years are you going to remember how it works?”
“You’re going to fail.”
Writing this at 9:00 pm
What a productive day… I got my documents I needed filled out from my doctor and handed those in. (It was so comforting when I saw him write down generalized anxiety disorder…just a reminder to myself that there is a reason for why I do things the way I do.) Next was my student card… waiting in line, trying not to sweat a lot was rough. Finally got it. Woo! Next stop bookstore… 5 textbooks and a student planner later… I was alllllllllll done. I couldn’t believe how much I accomplished before noon!! It was exactly what I needed to calm my nerves and reassure myself that I am capable of doing this. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I am super confident and ready to take on the world but I can’t.
I’m nervous and can feel my anxiety building. My first class doesn’t start until 2:30 tomorrow and all I keep thinking about is what the flying f*** am I going to do until then???? Without going completely insane. I don’t do well with waiting… that is when I find my anxiety the most threatening. But I think I can do it…
My backpack is packed. I think I’m ready. I’m scared and emotional but I want to do this. I want to push through. I want to go back to school.