Fighting a battle

Anxiety…you souling sucking, loud, exhausting, pain in my ass. You’ve been especially bad the last 24 hours and I wish I could put my finger on why. Why you have me second guessing every gosh darn decision I’ve faced today? Why you are trying to make me dread tomorrow? Why do you have my emotions on high? I’ve been in my own little world today…and not on purpose. I think I have said this before, but just when I think I have you figured out, I have a day like today, and it feels like all the progress I’ve made has gone down the drain. The things that would normally work to confront my anxiety didn’t match up today. I’m so tired but here I sit…writing and listening to music because I know I won’t fall asleep.

You know that feeling you get, in the back of your throat, when your desperately trying to hold your tears in? I’ve had that feeling all day long. I cried today, but just some silent tears. I’m waiting for the tears that never stop falling, you know the ones I’m talking about? Where you have to remind yourself to breathe. The tears that when you exhale you release the pain and anger you’ve been holding in. When your crying so hard, you’re shaking and can’t stop. I’m waiting for that. I can feel it coming. It’s been building and I’m waiting for the one thing that will finally let them fall.

I was honestly hoping it would happen now, while I’m blogging. In the comfort of my own home. But because it hasn’t happened, now I get to worry about when it will happen…and think about all the places I could be. It just never ends.

I find myself sitting here, and I just went through my phone, looking for someone to text. Someone who would a. be awake now and b. want to listen to me. And I couldn’t pick a person to text…because my anxiety is telling me that no one wants to listen to my endless battle against it. No one wants to read my texts about how I’m scared to fall asleep because my dreams haven’t been nice to me lately. It’s telling me that everyone has their own stuff going on and they don’t need mine too. I’m sure if I did text or call someone they would answer but I cannot put myself through the chance of them not answering. I can’t deal with that right now. So instead I’m writing it all down here.

My head is full and my chest is tight. I’m listening to sappy country music, (trying not to sing too loud). I’ll be honest with you, I’m scared of my anxiety. Not because I fear for my safety or that I’m a risk to myself… but because it’s so damn loud today. Even after writing all of this…I can still hear it and feel it. I would never wish this on anyone.

I deal with most of these thoughts or similar ones, more than I’d like to admit. But I promised myself when I started this blog, that I would always been honest. I’ve been doing so well at fighting them and winning. It just wasn’t a fight I was going to win today. I get up and fight every day, it doesn’t matter if I won or lost the day before. I still show up.

I fight because I’ve made it this far already. I know I can keep going, as painful as it may be. Even though I may feel lonely, I know I am not alone.