Anxiety started to creep in… I was leaving for the weekend to attend a country music festival. That I also attended last year. The thoughts that bounced around in my head sounded like this…
“I can’t do this”
“I don’t want to go”
“I should just stay home”
“I never should have bought tickets”
I said to my mom with tears rolling down my face, “I wish I could just pack and go. I wish I didn’t have to go through this every time I’m going somewhere.”
But I overcame… I packed my stuff and away we went.
A side effect of my medication is that I sweat… a lot. So, I was not looking forward to being outside for 6+ hours in the heat and humidity. Long story short, at one point 2 hours into being at the festival I was ready to call it quits. I was hot, sweaty, anxious and annoyed. Holding back tears, I started to really concentrate on slowing my breathing down. Thankfully my sister, was my saving grace and helped me push through. I made it through the concert.
I used a different kind of sunscreen then what I used the day before and it helped immensely. It was just as hot but I found that I wasn’t sweating as much as I previously had. We planned on going later in the afternoon to save ourselves from being in the heat and humidity, and I decided that I would drive. That way we wouldn’t have trouble getting a cab like we did the night before. And if I had to leave for whatever reason, I could. I pushed myself to stand in the crowd near the stage and really enjoy the music…to concentrate on the lyrics and the music. By the time the last artist got on stage, I could feel myself tensing up. My legs started shaking and I was becoming more and more aware of the amount of people around me. I was feeling overwhelmed and tired. Loving the music and the performance but knowing I couldn’t take much more.
The first thing I said when I woke up was…”I just wanna see my dog” (shocking…I know). All the stress, anxiety, lack of sleep and tension I put myself through finally caught up to me. It was present in my chest. I can still feel it right now. It hurts to take a deep breath and my body is sore. But I did it!! Survived. Wooooooohhhoooooooo. I’m so damn proud of myself too. I pushed myself when I needed to and I also knew what my limit was. I wouldn’t have made it through the weekend without my sister there, and I will never be able to thank her enough for understanding me.
Here’s to pushing myself.
Here’s to knowing my limits.
Here’s to conquering my mind madness…one day at a time.
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