The day I dream of

I’m overwhelmed and yet underwhelmed at the same time. I have a sense of clarity and yet feel like I’m in a fog. I feel lost and yet I know where I am. My heart aches yet it is so full of love. I feel lonely but I am not alone. I’m tired but I won’t give up. I’d just like a break. The load I am carrying is heavy and uncomfortable.

Some days, I feel like I am living in a world that isn’t meant to support me or ready for me. As someone who lives with a pretty intense anxiety disorder, every day, regular, routine things can be difficult for me to do. I constantly feel like I have to explain myself. My guard is usually up and I am ready for a fight. Ready to advocate for myself and others like me. Living with a mental illness can be so difficult because you’re constantly told that your illness isn’t severe enough, it’s not a big enough disability. That society understands you’re sick but it’s never sick enough. So, I get stuck in this awkward place of having an illness, a disability but it’s not enough for me to qualify for assistance. Yet, I can’t keep a full time job, I tried it and it didn’t work out. I’m paying for my therapy and some medications out of pocket, and that isn’t cheap. I have extra health benefits just to make sure I have a decent amount of coverage. It seems like a never ending process and fight.

Now, I want you to try something. If you saw a picture of a friend or loved one crying, would you reach out to them?! I really want you to think about what you would do. Because I had a really bad day last weekend, and added a picture of me crying to my snapchat story. Not one single person who viewed the picture of me, reached out. Nobody. It takes a lot of courage for me to share photos of me at my lowest. Some days I can write about it, other days it is a picture because I can’t explain what is going on in my head. I share these picture and my blog posts it to create awareness. I do it so others know they aren’t alone. I do it so they know that it IS OKAY to cry.

I wouldn’t wish a mental illness upon anyone. What some people don’t understand is that I get up every day and have to fight every day against my own brain to get things done. When realistically half the time I just want to stay in bed. When my anxiety is really bad and I can’t do something or go somewhere, there is phrase I use often and I know it’s not healthy. The “I hate myself or I hate my brain” line. You’re probably wondering how I could possibly say that to myself. Well, when you’re sitting in the passenger seat of your car, bawling your eyes out, hyperventilating, and refusing to get out to go get your nails done because your anxiety is THAT bad. You know your thoughts are irrational, and false, but it’s what is going through your brain at that moment in time. Then I get mad at myself for being anxious, irrational and breaking down. Sometimes I do mean it when I say “I hate myself or I hate my brain”, believe me I know that it sounds dark and twisted, but it’s true. I’ve come a long way, and don’t say it as often as I used to, but it’s always there. It’s not fun, I don’t enjoy sitting on the floor in my room staring at my closet not being able to decide what to wear that day. I don’t enjoy being on the verge of fight or flight at any given moment.

Negative self talk is something I have struggled with since I was a little girl. I know it’s not healthy. I know it’s not helping me in the long run. It is something I am working on, every day. I’m trying my best, to better myself. I’m working on loving all parts of me, my body and brain included. It is so easy to get on that negative thought train and have it spiral out of control but it’s also completely exhausting.

Self-care, self-love, are a must in the world we live in today. I hope, and pray for the day where I don’t feel like an outsider. The day where explaining and sharing my mental illnesses isn’t taboo. The day where I won’t be afraid of what may happen after sharing my illnesses. I dream of that day, and will fight for it to happen.

h.