Trying to push my anxiety aside

I woke up from a nap yesterday afternoon, I could feel my heart racing. Thump, thump, thump, it seemed so loud. Sure enough, looked at my Fitbit, my heart rate was high, and I was trembling. I HATE it when this happens. When a potential anxiety attack wakes me up. My Mom came and hugged me trying to get my heart rate to slow down. I then scrambled looking for medications to take. I put on my noise canceling headphones and grabbed a pillow and rocked back and forth for probably 15 minutes. It is all I could do. Rock back and forth and side to side. Trying to calm down, I really did not want to have an anxiety attack. My medications kicked in and I took the rest of the anxiety I was feeling and stored it away, for another day.

Today is that day. I knew by pushing it aside and not dealing with it, it would come back to bite me in the butt. And so here I am curled up on the couch, vulnerable, emotional, crying and feeling a tad bit broken. I grabbed a box of the good Kleenex and now the garbage can at my feet is half full. I am trying so hard to keep from loudly sobbing. I am sitting alone, silently crying while typing this. My face is red and blotchy. The tears have not stopped yet. I have been holding this in, always pushing it away, for another day. And because I did not face it head on the first time, it has only grown and intensified. Shit.

 I should know better. I have been in this same situation too many times before. I have been living with my anxiety for years now. I have had enough anxiety and panic attacks to know the signs. They suck. I currently feel so alone. Checking my phone wondering who I can reach out to. I scroll through my contacts and I do not know who to turn to. As my list of friends has grown smaller and smaller as of late, who do I turn to? Everyone is dealing with their own lives and offers their help but is anyone willing or ready to let me vent and dump all my thoughts, feelings, and emotions on them? Because let me to tell you, it is like a dam with a crack in it. The pressure building, and I am waiting for it to break. Waiting for the dam to break open.  I get it, I know that my illness can be a lot at times. (Did you notice that I said my illness is a lot, and not myself. My illness is a part of me, but it doesn’t define me.) I live with it every day. But I have never asked to be this way. The pain, loneliness, emotions, I would not wish upon anyone. The anxiety, the reoccurring thoughts, the obsessiveness over trying to be perfect, no one deserves this. It is truly a struggle some days. This is what is constantly going through my head.

It can also be hard for me to try to explain what I am going through when the person on the other end has never experienced mental illness(es) firsthand. I hate to say it but unless you have gone through it yourself or seen a loved one fight it, day in and day out, it can be hard to understand. Trying to find the right words, that will not scare someone away. That is difficult also. Because I am so used to people leaving, I cannot remember that last time I was completely 100% honest about my struggles with someone who is not my immediate family. Except for on here. I write it all down and share it but really, I have no idea who reads these posts. I can remember as a little girl always having “big” emotions. Feeling things differently than others. *I have finally stopped crying* for now because I can still feel it in my chest, the built-up anxiety is still there just waiting to come out.

I decided to take a shower because it has been 4 days since I last showered. Some of you reading this might think “eww” or “what is her problem”. First, my list of problems is too long to state here and secondly, showering can take A LOT of energy for someone with a mental illness to do. I got in the shower, sat down, and had the hot water hitting my back. And that is when the tears started again. Sobbing, as the hot water hit me. Hyperventilating. I finally picked myself up after catching my breath. My skin was red by the time I got out because I spent a good amount of time in there. I feel a bit better physically, but my entire body aches. My head is in a fog. I have a headache from crying. And my eyes are red and eye lids are puffy. Hands are still trembling a bit. I want to curl up in a ball and just listen to some music and be done with today. I want to feel okay and not have anxious thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Filled with new opportunities.

I have hope for tomorrow.

h.