Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re not good enough? That no matter what you do it won’t be enough. YOU won’t be enough. That so many people have left your life with no explanation that you get used to it. You get used to being forgotten about. You get used to feeling alone. Your walls are built up so high to protect your heart, protect your soul. Do you know this feeling?
Because I do.
It started in June of last year. No matter what I did I was always struggling, always behind and couldn’t seem to do anything right. Burnout is something I never really experienced before, but 3 weeks into last summer I realized just what it was. I needed to be in too many places at once. I had so much on my plate but I thought I could handle it. Stuff was coming at me from every angle. It wasn’t until I spent an entire weekend in bed that I knew I was burnt out.
People may say that I’ve talked about this before, that I’ve said people always leave me before. But what you might not understand is that, I live with this negative self-talk every day. Some days are easier to turn those thoughts around and some aren’t. I’m going to be completely honest about my life since June 2019.
I was working full time, and volunteering 3 times a week. And then went through a medication change in mid-July. A medication change that had me going through withdrawal where I was constantly feeling dizzy and light headed. And I would randomly cry at any point in the day. That medication change lasted a couple of weeks, it’s not like I could quit cold turkey and switch to the new medication. There’s a process that was monitored by my psychiatrist. I had to decrease my dosage every 5 to 7 days. And once I completed that I then started a new medication, which started around the end of August…just before school started…great.
Going to university was a whole new world. It was never easy and I never fully felt supported. I had to fight for my accommodations while also trying to keep up with my studies, oh don’t forget getting used to a completely new medication routine. I started taking the lowest dose and then increased it over a matter of weeks, again monitored by my psychiatrist. Before I knew it, it was the middle of October and midterm season. I survived through those, barely. Now into November, I’ve got my new medication routine down and felt confident it was working. But because being stressed out about school, living with anxiety and depression wasn’t enough, I suffered a concussion near the end of November. Right before exams started. I was dealing with horrible headaches, sensitivity to light and noise, nausea, lack of concentration. I wouldn’t let myself drive because of it. Long story short, I had to write a term test, a final paper, and a final exam starting the week after I hit my head. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit and read. I couldn’t gather my thoughts and put them on paper. I was a huge mess but chose to put my health and overall well being before school. I submitted a rough draft of my final paper, I wrote that term test while being on Tylenol 3s, and finally decided not to put myself through my final stats exam. I don’t want to think about what writing the exam would have done to me. The holidays are always tough because they are so busy, so that on top of anxiety, depression and a concussion had me struggling every day. So, because I chose to put my health at the end of the fall term, I found out in the second week of my winter term, that I had failed my previous term and was required to withdraw for 2 school terms. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Once again, not good enough…rejection…failure…was all I could think about.
January was rough as the world lost a beautiful soul that left this earth too soon and it broke my heart. Went for a job interview in February…found out I didn’t get the position…once again failure, rejection, not good enough ran through my head. Messaged a friend, who never responded. Once again rejected. Every time I’m faced with a battle lately, somehow, I end up losing or it feels like I have lost. Something that brought me so much joy for years has made me reevaluate my priorities and has left me wondering if I need to take a step back.
I’m tired of losing battles. I’m tired of people leaving like I meant nothing to them. I’m tired of the struggle.
But I believe everything happens for a reason. So, I sit here crying, being openly honest with all my struggles and losses. Hoping that anyone reading this realizes what it is like for someone like me. Hoping that anyone reading this understands that they are never alone. Hoping that people think of their friends or family who seem like they have everything together might not actually have it all together.
I have no clue if I’m going to go back to university in the fall. I have no clue what I’m going to do this summer. There are so many unknowns it scares me. My anxiety replays everything that has gone wrong in the last 10 months. It reminds me of my screwups. It reminds me of the people who are no longer in my life. It reminds me that I have failed, been rejected, and not good enough. But with all of that I’m still here. Still conquering. Still pushing my limits. Still trying my best. I’m just looking for a small win somewhere. A sign that things are looking up. That this was just a bump in the road.
Maybe this is my sign. Being honest with myself and whoever is reading this.
It’s okay to not be okay.
And I haven’t always been okay over the last 10 months.
I know I won’t always be okay in the future, but I’ll never stop.
No matter what.
I’ve had to ask others to believe in me because I couldn’t at the time believe in myself and that is OKAY.
Asking for help is OKAY.
Being you is OKAY.
Small wis are so important when things aren’t okay.
Another great post Hilary, I am glad that you continue to write as I know there are many people out there who appreciate your honesty.