Most days I can own my anxiety. I know how it works, the tricks it plays. I know how to deal with it. But today was not one of those days. I brushed it off, pushed it aside until I was in a place where I could let it all out. Once the tears started, they wouldn’t stop. Mascara running down my face, hands trembling, gasping to take a breath. I was having a panic attack. I’ve grown to embrace my illness and all it’s quirks. It’s a part of my life, even though I wish it wasn’t. Tonight, was rough and my panic and anxiety were too much. Usually when I have a panic or anxiety attack, I accept it and move on. I take care of myself. But tonight, it took everything in me not to scream in anger. Having this illness sucks. It affects everything I do. It plays a huge part in my daily life. Normally I can bounce right back up after being knocked down by my anxiety. But not tonight…tonight I am down for the count, exhausted and angry. My anxiety had me in bed by 8:30. Puffy eyes, a sort of numb feeling, after all the panic and anxiety coming out. I had to cancel plans tonight with friends. And I hate doing it, but I know it was the right decision for me.
Tomorrow is a new day and I’ve got my fingers crossed that it’s better than tonight.