A sense of doom

Yesterday started off well. But as the day went on, this feeling of “doom” started to grow in the pit of my stomach. And by the end of it, I had this overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. Something somewhere was very, very wrong. Or that something bad was going to happen. I paced around the house, trying my best to figure out what was causing this dark cloud of “doom” that lingered over me. Trying my best to stay on top of it and not let it overcome me. I eventually gave up pacing around the kitchen and decided to go take my meds, colour and hopefully fall asleep to a movie on Netflix.

Flash forward 3 hours…still awake, not relaxed, coloured 3 pictures…and now both of my legs shook. Ugh.

While eating dinner I kept staring off into space. Thinking, worrying, and waiting. My chest was tight, I couldn’t take a deep breath in, and the pit in my stomach never went away. An hour later, I texted my mom that I finally broke down and was crying in my bedroom. She came upstairs and I couldn’t even tell her why I was crying, other than I was so mentally exhausted.

I wrote both my exams earlier in the week (woohoo) and I’m so proud of everything I accomplished in my first year of university. It wasn’t easy, I learned a lot but I DID IT! My second term was rough…to say the least. Anxiety at levels I have never experienced before. Medication changes. Doctors notes and more doctors notes.

Today, my body is all kinds of sore after my anxiety attack last night. Crying takes sooooo much out of me. (You’d think my body would be used to it because I cry, rather often) My legs are still tense even now and they ache like I ran a marathon yesterday. My eyelids are still a little swollen and puffy, but what else is new. And I’m just so tired. Tired that everything is a fight or a battle. Had another battle with my pharmacy over medication, which now means I have to phone my psychiatrist on Monday morning, so he can fax over my prescriptions. Ugh. Emailed my academic advisor last night, prior to crying, about how much trouble I’m having finishing two assignments. It’s to the point where I sit and stare blankly at my computer screen because I’ve got nothing left. I can’t get what’s in my head into my assignment. Ugh. So, I don’t know what that means…but I’m doing my best to not worry about it. Trying to complete those assignments would have put me in a bad place mentally, and I’m NOT about to do that to myself. I’ve fought so hard and I have come THIS far, I will not let school bring me down. I chose to put myself first and not going to lie, I’m pretty proud that I did that. Because no amount of school work, or grades will take priority over my mental health.

I eventually stopped crying, (also didn’t have much mascara left to take off before bed) I closed the assignments. Plugged my headphones into my laptop and instead listened to Taylor Swift while colouring. It was exactly what I needed. And I’m not sorry about it.

I lay here in bed, having a hard time keeping my eyes open to write this. But I wanted to get this out there. And today is the first day in 3 days, that I didn’t break down crying.

I wish I had the energy to write a post about how exhausting it is to constantly fight and explain my illness. But that blog post will be coming soon.

Sending love to those who need it.

Remember to put yourself first, because nothing else should come before your overall wellbeing.

hk♥