Today has been a fight. The tears are right there, have been all day…but I keep blinking them away. Hoping they don’t fall because I can tell if they start they won’t stop. I did everything to be productive today…cleaned part of my room, worked on homework and created study notes for my upcoming exams. But my anxiety is still there. Waiting for its chance to come out. It’s like it keeps tapping me on the shoulder and running away. Just so I know, it hasn’t left me. I’ve taken all my meds on time. I got up had breakfast, changed out of my pajamas. But I can’t figure out what has my head. I can feel my defences weakening as the day gets late, and I’m tired. My body is tired of having tense muscles all day. My hand is tired from writing so many study notes trying to stay focused and productive. My eyes are tired because I’m having a hard time sleeping again.
But my mind, that is a completely different story. It’s tired of over thinking. For those of you who have never had anxiety, I’m going to do my best to explain my mind today. So I have this book I need to read for my english essay, do you know how many times I read the same page? Because I didn’t actually comprehend what I was reading. A LOT. My anxiety was making my thoughts run around in my mind, nonstop. But when I actually wanted to do some homework or pay attention to what I was reading, it was like I was stuck in mud. And everything took more effort and more concentration…like I was trying my hardest but moving in slow motion. Except for my anxiety. It DID everything it could to distract me, to get me lost in its own world.
“Remember how you spoke your mind the other day…yeah you probably shouldn’t have done that.” “Remember how you spoke your mind that one time, 5 years ago?” “Yeah, it could be like that…again”
Even now, sitting here typing, I keep staring off into space. Lost in my own thoughts. Trying to figure out so many things that I DON’T need to figure out. But that’s what my mind is stuck on today, wanting to figure things out, wanting to plan and prepare. “Lets think about it some more, analyze it, and maybe you’ll figure out something new”… which won’t happen. *HILARY STOP YOU’RE OVER THINKING*
I keep going back to my last post and how I could have poured so much more of my heart into it. But the wound is still new and raw, it would have hurt too much. To give you an idea of how real the pain is, my sister hasn’t even read it. She started, and stopped. That first big chunk of it, is like I took it directly out of the piece of my heart he broke. Word for word. But things have happened and I have lost him. So I write it all here. He’s the reason I have a hard time trusting people. He’s the reason I believe that people always leave, so I don’t open up often.
I’m getting sleepy, trying to get the words out of my head and into this post. It takes some damn effort some days, to do the most routine things. Because there is such a process going on in my mind, and that’s what sucks. I’m the only one who can see it. I’m the only one who can hear it and feel it. That’s a lonely enough feeling right there. But knowing that there are people who will read this and be like “damn, she gets it.” or “wow, I had no idea what it’s like”…that gives me the fuel and the fire to keep going. To keep fighting, and climbing, and writing, and sharing. Because let me tell you, I won’t stop until the day comes that mental illness is taken seriously, understood and talked about.
No one should be afraid to talk about living with an illness no one can see.
No one should feel judged because their illness is in their head.
Sending love. (P.S. probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight, but I’m okay with that)