When I can’t sleep, I write

Here I am…it is 1:03 a.m. and I’m wide awake. So I found myself opening my laptop to write. Writing has become such an escape for me. A place I can go no matter what is going on in my life. It’s ironic because in elementary school I hated writing, like had to do extra assignments and work to improve my skills. But now, I’m constantly writing, whether it be in my agenda, my journal, my facebook or twitter or here. Random thoughts, song lyrics, feelings…just writing them down helps.

Maybe it’s the fever and sore throat or maybe it’s my relentless anxiety that I’m still awake. I’ve been feeling crappy since Saturday, got some cold/sore throat thing going on. Like if my head wasn’t attached I would have lost it by now. Yesterday, I couldn’t find my phone…so I called it. It was in my purse, exactly where I put it. This morning, woke up still fighting this fever but had to be at school for 10. Anddddddd once I got to school I realized I had forgotten to take my meds before I left the house. Then my laptop wouldn’t connect to the wi-fi at school. Ugh. What a Monday morning.

I’ve been pushing myself more lately, being honest with people. Hoping for the best, knowing and believing I deserve the best. It’s so crippling to live in the fear of “what ifs.” And I’m so damn tired of it. My brain constantly has me second guessing E V E R Y T H I N G. But right now, at this very moment, all I want is to prove my anxiety wrong. Go outside of my comfort zone. Push my limits. Because I am so tired of living in this state.

I want to spill my heart to a certain someone.

I want to run. (Not away but for exercise)

I want to be happy more often.

I want to clean my room and I mean like REALLY clean it. All of it.

I want to see myself in a more positive light and celebrate how far I have come, more often.

I want to drive around singing away to country music with the windows down.

One day, I want to start my own business one day with my sister.

Some of these things may seem silly to you, but for me they are real. Saturday I felt like myself again, I had my music turned up loud and was getting ready for hockey. Dancing and singing away while doing my makeup. And it brought me back to my high school days of getting ready to go out. Life is too short to not be happy. Life is too short to not dance and sing in the mirror. Life is too short to be something you’re not. Find something you’re passionate about and run with it. Do things that make your heart happy. Do things that scare the crap out of you. Don’t let yourself stop you. Don’t let your mental illness define you. Don’t let society tell you who to be.

Believe in yourself, no matter what diagnosis may or may not come with you. Fight for yourself, and fight for others like you.

Sending love,

♥♥hil

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