My life right now…

My life right now…

  • 5 pills in the AM
  • 2 pills around noon
  • 1 pill in the late afternoon/evening
  • 2 pills at bedtime

My backpack is kind of like a pharmacy right now. You can hear my meds jingle as I walk up and down the stairs going to class. I’ve been on this new routine for about a week and a half now, and I can tell that the severity of my anxiety has come down a lot. But it is still there. I’m getting in the routine of reading or colouring when I take my meds at bedtime. And taking Lexi for a walk once a day, has also been helping.

The part I’m struggling with is when people give me all these ideas and tips to try out, when I’m feeling overwhelmed or crying myself to sleep. No, I don’t want to contemplate my entire life meaning right now. I want to cry, feel and sleep. I know they are only trying to help and I appreciate that, so much. But when someone is giving me advice that involves more intense thinking after I’ve been overwhelmed and consumed by my thoughts all day, I just can’t do it. They’re asking me questions I can’t give them answers to because I am so exhausted. The thoughts that have been telling me all the “bad” things that could happen or reminding me of all the things that are “wrong” with me take so much energy out of me. I literally fight every day. My anxiety is so constant that it never leaves me alone. Yes, it gets quiet at times and I can deal with it or basically tell it screw off, and it works. But every once in a while it wins. And I all I want is for someone to say that it’ll be okay, that they acknowledge my feelings and accept me for sharing it with them, because that is not an easy thing to do. The fear of rejection is all too familiar.

It’s hard to express your deepest darkest parts of your soul, especially for me, because people always leave. “They get it” … but 2 months later, they are too busy for me and “my lifestyle” … whatever the f*** that means. It sounds so crazy but sometimes all I need is someone I can turn to and know they will listen to all my anxiety ridden panic and I don’t have to worry about feeling like I’m in a therapy session, because they aren’t going to ask me soul defying questions, as I sit crying on my bedroom floor. I just want someone to listen.

Thankfully, I have found a few people in my life that I can turn to when I don’t believe in myself. But they can believe in me while I need it. It happened tonight, I’m stressing out about a test I have to write in the morning (shocking I know), and my friend told me that I’ve got this and will rock that test tomorrow. And that’s all I needed. Someone to give me some positivity and not a lecture about the things I did or didn’t do.

If you battle like me, find someone who will listen without hesitation.

If you support someone like me, listen without hesitation and don’t try to give advice unless they’re specifically asking for it. It’ll go along way, I promise.

Do what is best for you. Only you know your mind, body and soul. Take care of it the best way you can.

My life right now consists of the Toronto Raptors and Anxiety. And I’m okay with that.


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