I tossed and turned most of the night and I finally gave up on sleep around 4:30 a.m. There is just too much anxiety running through my body, I can feel it in my chest, and in my legs. My hands are shaking as I type this and I’m trying to blink away my tears. I feel as though I don’t have time to be anxious or deal with everything that comes with having a bad day. I have so much school work to do, even just thinking about it now is enough to make me cry. Half of me wants to scream because the weight of everything feels like too much and the other half of me is telling myself to suck it up. It’s this back and forth war that goes on in my head. *blinking away tears again*
I want to be successful in school, I do truly love it. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’ve been fighting a nasty cold for almost a week, or the wonderful Canadian winter we are currently having, but I feel so lost. I’m trying to decide if I should email my profs explaining all of this. I am registered with “accessability services” on campus and even with that I still I had to verify my illness/disability multiple times last term. So I guess I need to figure out if it’s worth the hassle and extra work I’ll need to do. It’s days like today I really, really, really wish I didn’t have a mental illness.
Now I sit here, and I’m going through a pros and cons list in my head. Should I be up front and honest? Or do I just attempt to push through?
It’s so strange to me that I can sit here and write down everything I’m feeling and share it no problem. But when it comes to sharing it with school, profs and TA’s I have severe reservations.
Well, blinking away the tears is no longer working. They have started to fall.
Just know, I’m safe and loved, and will figure all of this out…eventually.