All week I’ve been having really crazy dreams and even a few nightmares. I couldn’t tell you how many times I woke up drenched in sweat and genuinely afraid of whatever I was dreaming about. I can’t figure out why this has been going on this week but it’s been draining me, mentally. I haven’t slept through the night once this week, which causes my anxiety to be on high alert. Fast forward to this morning…another rough night with lots of tossing and turning. I woke up around 9 and instantly knew I was in for one hell of a day. I got up to eat breakfast and after I finished, I immediately went back to bed. Crawled under my weighted blanket, hoping I could get some more sleep. My mom always knows when I’m struggling, she came in to check on me and just laid beside me in my bed. I simply said “Today is not a good day.”
I’ve been dealing with anxiety for years now…yet it still amazes me the physical toll it takes on my body. I helped my sister with a project she is currently working on; until I couldn’t anymore. Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor in our kitchen sobbing. You may be wondering why… my answer is… anxiety. (I’ll try my best to explain what was going on.) I felt like the weight of the world came crashing down on me. I have no actual reason for this feeling other than that’s what my anxiety made me feel. So there I sat, on the kitchen floor, texting my mom…as my parents had a friend’s birthday party to attend out-of-town. 12:43 pm is when I texted her that I was having an anxiety attack. I don’t actually remember how long I sat on the floor crying. But I do remember getting up and trying to get my shit together. 12:51 pm is when I texted my sister explaining what was going on and that I would no longer be able to help her. You may be wondering why I texted this to her, when we were both at home. My answer… because there was no way I could say that out loud while bawling my eyes out. I knew I needed to hide in the darkness and our basement is the best place for that. So I went up to my room, grabbed my laptop, weighted blanket, pillow, medication and refilled my water bottle. Then I made a huge cup of green tea, grabbed my diffuser, my favourite essential oils and plopped myself on the couch downstairs. I did all of this while tears were still rolling down my face. 1:19 pm I texted my mom that I was okay, I put a load of laundry in the washer and was going to take my medication to hopefully get some rest. Well I didn’t fall back asleep but I did 4 loads of laundry. I simply couldn’t turn my brain off.
As I sit here writing this blog post, listening to the rain falling outside, it’s 11:29 pm and I’m exhausted. Both mentally and physically but I can’t sleep. I’ve been drinking water and green tea all day trying to hydrate. I coloured for a bit, completed a crossword puzzle, and watched a movie. All things I consider as self-care. But sleep feels so far away even though I need it. The dark circles under my puffy red eyes are clear signs of the battle I fought today.
So now what do I do? Should I make another cup of tea? Should I move to the couch again? Should I start a new book? Should I take a hot shower, hoping that it relaxes me?
Usually, I don’t have this problem. I can normally recuperate after an anxiety attack, even just hours later. But not this time… this time my mind and my body are still fighting. Fighting each other and they can’t agree on what I should do.
So I think I’m in for a long night. But the sound of the rain on the roof will keep me company.