*Sunday April 29th 2018*
I knew the signs all too well. I felt them the moment I opened my eyes this morning. I mumbled a couple of swear words and got up out of bed. Fast forward two hours and next thing I knew I was curled up in a ball in my bed and I sent my mom a text “Can you come here? I feel an anxiety attack coming on”. She walked into my room and held me as it began. I was bawling and shaking. (I was feeling so much and my brain was over thinking everything, I couldn’t control it any longer.) Desperately trying to breathe in between sobs. My mom held me the whole time, while rocking or rubbing my back. Telling me “It’s okay, let it all out” or “I’ve got you.” Slowly, my breathing started to go back to normal. But the tears, always seem to be the last thing to stop. They still roll down my cheeks even after the worst is gone.
I crashed hard today, I thought I had it under control. I’ve been doing things for me lately. But damn, anxiety hit me hard today. It hit me where it hurts, and my thoughts were spiraling out of control. It took over today, and my mind and body are feeling the aftermath of it. I was crying in pain, because dealing with anxiety is so tiring and time-consuming. It played off of my worst fears and things I have always struggled with. Over time, you lose friends and people change. Sometimes it’s just because you both grow up and your lives are going in separate directions. Other times, it hurts and it sucks. I’ve dealt with both. I’m so afraid of being left out of things because of my anxiety and that I’ve cancelled plans in the past. I know, true friends will still invite me out to things and I know I am loved. But this is my mental illness talking… it’s telling me I’m not worthy of having friends because I’ve back out of plans or I’ve left early from things because I simply can’t take the anxiety anymore. I don’t want to be alone.
I have amazing people in my life and I’m so thankful for them. I hope they understand that when I don’t go to things, or leave early or whatever the case may be, I’m not doing it because I’m lazy or have better things to do. It’s because sometimes things are too much; it’s too loud, or there’s too many people, or I’m exhausted from pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is please don’t give up on me. If you already have, because you’re tired of hearing me say I can’t come, my anxiety is bad…I’m sorry you’ve given up on me but I’m not going to give up on myself. I’ve come so far to give up or back down now.
So if you have a friend, who always sits in the corner when you go out to eat, or shows up 15 minutes early for everything, asks you a million and one questions prior to going out or asks if they can bring their younger sister along, please know that they are doing these things so they can be there with you. (Yes, I do all of the above haha)
If you have a friend, who cancels at the last minute… it’s probably hurting them A LOT to send you that text trying to explain, yet again, that they can’t make it. Sometimes it all becomes too much and even though we would give anything to be there with you, we simply can’t…this time.
Don’t give up on them.
Don’t let them give up on themselves.
If you don’t understand it, ask them.