Today, I woke up with anxious thoughts looming over my head. I tried my best to push them aside but they came back just as quickly as they had left. Today, would be a fight. I desperately tried to put a smile on my face when I went to pick up my Mom. But as she usually does, she saw right through that smile I had planted on my face.
The most frustrating part about having a mental illness is some days, you just can’t describe what’s going through your head. On a “good-bad” day, you know exactly what is causing your pain and suffering. You can pin point it and deal with it, head on. I wasn’t so lucky today.
By 2:00 pm, I was exhausted. My mom and I had done some simple errands around town. Nothing to labor intensive or crowded. But holy moly, I felt like I ran a marathon. My head hurt, and I felt like my brain turned into mush. Or what I like to call “anxiety brain”. The words I wanted to say, wouldn’t come out the right way and I got frustrated. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. I was extremely emotional yet numb at the same time. Anxiety and depression work together that way.
I tried to clean my room but I kept getting side tracked and eventually just gave up. I could feel my anxiety growing and knew that I had won the battle for most of the day. But now I had to take care of myself, without any negative thoughts or feelings. I did my best today for as long as I could. AND THAT’S OKAY! I’m proud of myself for doing exactly that.
4:55 pm I started my self-care routine. Took my medication to help me calm down. Put lavender and peppermint oil in my diffuser. Grabbed 4 colouring books and my pencil crayons. Made a cup of tea and crawled under my weighted blanket.
I was supposed to attend a meeting tonight, but decided it would be best for me to stay home and look after myself. There were days that I would feel terrible about making that same decision, but not today. Today, I’m proud of myself for recognizing my limit and putting myself first.
Every day brings new opportunities and challenges.
Every day I try my best.
Every day I fight for myself and for others like me.