It started with a simple “are you okay?” … and I knew the flood gates had opened.
I’ve been hiding my feelings for a while now. You know the ones that are kept deep down in your soul? You’ve hidden them there so you don’t have to deal with them. Because the pain of dealing with them seems gut wrenching and realistically who wants to deal with that amount of pain? I thought I could hold it together, just keep pushing through. But last week I could feel my defences start to crack and crumble. These feelings were going to come out… some day soon. Today was that day.
Anxiety was a huge pain in my *** yesterday. I thought I could brush it off and today would be a “regular” day. Man, was I wrong! All the feelings came out today. My dad sat with me, as I texted my mom and I tried to explain to them, the pain I was feeling. There was a lot of crying and sobbing for that matter. My garbage can is full of kleenex. It took a while but I finally did get it all out.
It’s completely exhausting to try to hide when I’m having a bad day. Or having to live with the fear of being judged for my mental illnesses. Getting ridiculed for the different doctor appointments I have to go to… I shouldn’t have to hide it. This shouldn’t be a problem.
I eventually calmed down and felt like this enormous weight had been lifted on my shoulders. I had no tears left to cry. (1 hour 30 minutes later) I put the kettle on and asked my sister if she would lay in my room with me until I fell back asleep. I made us each a cup of tea, and she put Netflix on. I took my medication, hoping to get some sleep because I was simply exhausted. I eventually drifted off to sleep and stayed asleep for a couple of hours.
I guess what I’m trying to say is life is too short to do something that doesn’t give your life fulfillment. No one should have to hide things in fear of being judged. Not you…not me.
So, here I am. Completely exhausted and dehydrated. I made some very tough decisions today but I couldn’t be more proud of myself for making them. I made them for me. To better my mental health and overall wellbeing.
Here’s to a new beginning.
Here’s to sharing the feelings you’d rather keep hidden in your soul.
Here’s to putting myself first.
If I can do it, so can you.