I am sorry

“I’m sorry”

A phrase I find myself saying a little too often. It’s too familiar. Most times, I am apologizing for something out of my control. I find myself apologizing for my anxiety, my depression, my mental illness.

I texted my mom today while she was out and said, “I’m sorry that I am always a mess”. She responded saying “Hilary, you are not a mess. You have nothing to apologize for.” Those who are close to me, know that when I’m struggling with: overthinking, overanalyzing, and overwhelming anxious thoughts; I apologize. And then I feel bad for apologizing, and it can turn into a vicious cycle. This has always been something that I have struggled with.

I’m a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. Whatever emotion I am feeling is usually written on my face or shown in my body language. Yet sometimes I cry in secret. I pull my hat down lower, I put my sunglasses on. I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. It’s exhausting hiding your emotions or trying to hide them. But it’s become something ingrained in me. Society doesn’t want to see me struggle. People don’t want to know my problems. Mental illness isn’t something openly talked about. It is something some people lock away. It needs to be hidden. I don’t get the opportunity or chance to explain. Assumptions are made, stereotypes are seen, and ignorance is formed.

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I’ve personally experienced it;

I’ve heard about it;

I’ve witnessed it.

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It needs to change.

h.