Hidden

Hiding behind a smile. I mastered this art, years ago. When I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Hiding because you don’t know how people will react. You don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or weak. 

I’ve been struggling lately. So much that I felt the need to go see my psychiatrist again. We’ve increased the dosage of one of my medications twice now. And it’s not working. So now what happens…do we go back to the drawing board? Do we start all over again? I told my Mom the other day, that I just want to be “okay”. I’m not exactly sure what that means but it’s not how I am currently feeling. 

I’ve realized more than ever, that society, this world we live in, isn’t easy on people like me. People who live with a mental illness, or have multiple diagnoses. When we don’t “fit in”, when we are a little different, we are expected to fit in at any cost. We are asked to change things. We are asked to smile even if it’s a fake one. 

I’m not sure which is more difficult…living with a mental illness or pretending you don’t when you actually do. The typical “How are you?” Question…do I play it safe and say everything is okay or do I be open and honest? Do I share how my heart is beating so fast and loud, that I’m surprised they can’t hear it? Or do I smile and say everything is fantastic? Do I share that my anxiety is so bad I’m prepared to bolt if needed? That I could run and not look back. Do I share that I could cry on command? Or just blink away the tears, and excuse myself to go hide in the bathroom until I can pull myself together? So many questions and I feel like I don’t have the answers. I’m lost, at a crossroad, with no map to help guide me. 

This time of year also sucks. Day light savings time. The clocks went back an hour last weekend and it has hit me hard. Who knew that going back an hour could effect someone so much? I also know I’m not alone, this time of year is so hard on so many people. One stupid hour and it’s like my entire world has been turned upside down.

I’m trying to find stable ground to stand on. Slowly and carefully. Calculating every step I take, which is both a good and a bad thing. Good to be prepared…not so good to be obsessive. 

The battle continues again…or still.

h.