4 doors

Picture this with me if you can. You’ve come to the end of a hallway and in front of you are 4 doors. These 4 doors all have signs on them.

The first one reads “Welcome, we are happy you are here”

The second one reads “You know exactly what is behind this door all you have to do is open it”

The third one reads “Do you really think you can handle this?”

The fourth one reads “What is behind this door you’ll have to open to see. It could be amazing, yet it could also completely overwhelm you. It could be something so great, exactly what you need, BUT it could catch you off guard, it could terrify you.”

This is what I deal with on a daily basis. There are no actual doors and I’m not standing at the end of the hallway. But this is how my brain works, this is how I see and interpret my life. Some “doors” are easy to open and others I will run away screaming from. This is my anxiety talking to me. Right now, as I type this out, what is said on all of those signs on the 4 “doors” I can apply to something or multiple things I have to do today. I know what the rest of my day looks like, I know what it could look like, I know I can make changes if I need to. But…

There is always a but, a what if, a could have, would have, should have.

I have been struggling with increased anxiety and feeling very alone. I know I am not alone. As simple as that sounds, I am still feeling alone. I am feeling overwhelmed. Yesterday I cried for an hour…the lip trembling, hyperventilating, almost used a whole box of the good Kleenex (the ones with the lotion in it) kind of cry. I have accomplished so much this week; things I didn’t think I could do. But I did them! And I am proud of myself for it. But I sit here with the thoughts running through my brain, like I haven’t done enough, that there is so much more I could be doing.

So, I am breaking down today into smaller items, chores, a to do list if you will. There is so much going on that is out of my control and I know exactly that. But there is this tiny part of me is like, pfft…you should try and control that too, even though it is completely unrealistic and 100% out of your hands, you should really try too. This is where I stop myself. Today, I control me. I control what I do and when I do it. I choose what is best for me, today. Not what is best for the Hilary from last week, or best for the Hilary of tomorrow. T O D A Y.

h.