I promise that when I write these posts they are from the heart. I share so others can learn, relate, and feel a little less lonely. Some days I find it hard to sift through all the things going through my head, it is like a merry go-round that I can’t slow down or get off of. I will try my best to explain what I mean…
The feeling you get in your stomach while being on a roller coaster, you can hear the clicking while slowly traveling to the top. You’re waiting to get there, your heart is pounding, are you any closer? When will you drop? I get that feeling A LOT without the roller coaster part. Or when you’re watching your team playing in an important game, they’re winning, time is ticking down, you’re hoping they can pull off the win. Seconds seem to go by so slow, but everything else is going by so fast. I get that feeling but without the game.
Fight or flight, I’m sure you have heard it before. Your body is ready to take action. To flee or to fight. To confront or to hide. Adrenaline pumping. I get all of that for something so simple, so routine. For example, my online gym switched up our workouts to a different format. I woke up early that morning, was ready to conquer the day. Went to do my workout, saw that it was different, and I burst into tears. It caught me so off guard, I closed my computer and ran upstairs. If it was a different day I may have reacted differently.
I have learned over the years that in order for me to be successful I need structure, routine and reassurance. I’m a planner, who likes visuals, colour coordinating things and things that sparkle.
I also need to have a way out. No matter where I am…I have to be able to plan how I get out. Why? Just in case. In case of what you ask…I have no idea. That’s just the way this brain of mine works. I prefer to sit in the back where I can see everything in front of me. I have my quirks. Some I don’t even realize I am doing anymore. I don’t like checking my email and I don’t like making phone calls.
I learned in high school, that people leave. They can walk into your life one minute and right out the next. I can’t begin to tell you how high I’ve built walls around myself, around my heart. Because no matter how many times someone tells you they won’t leave you…they can. Even though you have let them in, shared your hopes, your plans, your dark moments. They still leave.
I’ve come to the point in my life where I do things for myself and don’t feel bad about it. I know what I can and cannot handle. At the age of 28 I am still learning what a true friend looks like. They don’t walk into your life when it is only convenient for them. Or when they are struggling with their own mental health. They don’t dismiss your feelings no matter how “unreal” they may seem. They let you feel what you feel and don’t try to change that. They don’t see you struggling and don’t say anything. And they don’t forget about you. I’m afraid I will be alone forever.
My anxiety and depression are real. I live with them every day. I fight them every day. I know what it is like to think you are going crazy when its actually just your mental illness telling you that you are. It wants to take over, it wants to control you.
I know what it is like to be afraid of your own mind.
I know the battle is endless and that it consumes all of you.
I get it.
I understand it.
And I’m here to fight with you.