Today my anxiety manifested as anger. I’m having a bad brain day. I want today to be over and tomorrow to be here. I’m annoyed, frustrated, angry, anxious, and confused. I want to scream; I want to yell. I want to cry until there are no tears left. I’m angry at my anxiety which also makes me feel like I’m angry at myself. But I sit here numb. I can’t cry, I can’t scream, I can’t yell. So, I wait for the smallest of things to happen and the flood gates to open. The anxiety is so loud inside my head it is all consuming. I didn’t shower today, and I didn’t work out. But I did get dressed and out of the house. That is a win, and I will take it. I have a headache; my chest is tight, and my heart is racing. Some of you might be asking why is she feeling this way today? And I wish I could explain it but it’s so hard to get what I’m feeling out of my head, into this blog post and for it to make sense. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I know that isn’t really true. But that feeling is there, it’s been there since I woke up at 5:00 AM and it won’t leave. It has been following me around, everywhere I go. My anxiety is so loud that nothing else can get in.
It is 8:00 PM as I write this, and I’m ready for bed. I want to hide in my room, in a pillow fort where nothing can get me. I want to turn my phone on silent, I want to mute my social media, I want the thoughts in my head to stop racing. I want to get lost in a book, or in a movie, something. Today my mind is its own enemy and my worst critic. It feels like I have been up for days, even though I haven’t. Like I’m trying to understand a different language but only know a few words. Like I’m daydreaming but it is more like a bad dream that I can’t wake up from.
I’ll likely cry myself to sleep or wake up in the middle of the night crying. Today my anxiety manifested as anger, tomorrow is a new day, and I hope for a better day.