Thoughts I can’t escape

Thoughts I’m having trouble with today…

Today, I’ve had one of the worst migraines I’ve ever had. Which has caused me to hide in the dark and sleep most of the day away. I had to back out of dinner plans I made with a very awesome group of friends. And now I can’t help but hate myself for it. You see, the way my brain works is that even though something happened completely out of my control, I take it so personally. I feel so alone, even though I know I am far from it. But I’m stuck in this rut today. Feeling lost and alone. My anxiety has taken over…I’m paranoid I’ll lose my friends, because who wants to be friends with a girl who has to cancel. Or that this will happen again, next time I have plans. Or that I stop getting invited to things. My thoughts have completely spiraled out of control. I’m scared, anxious and paranoid. And because of other things out of our control, tonight wouldn’t have worked for most of us anyway. So it’s not a huge deal because things happen. But my anxiety is fueling off my insecurities. 

Anxiety does this. It makes you think of every possible scenario. It tries to prepare you for every possible outcome that could ever happen. It makes you think and think and think. Until it consumes you. You have a million thoughts running around in your head and now you have to sort through them. Your anxiety causes you to think of crazy scenarios and unlikely events, that you’ll probably never have to face. But it also feeds off that little voice in the back of your head that says…”what if?”

So I’ll make another cup of tea, let myself cry, take my meds and hopefully get some sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. A day I hope I don’t have to fight as hard as I did today.