I’m often asked what it’s like to have anxiety…well where do I begin…? You know that feeling you get when you’re in an elevator and it’s moving and then it stops and your stomach jumps. Or when you’re on a roller coaster and you go up and over a hill? Or when you’re nervous because you have a big presentation at school or work? Or your waiting for test results? And you know those butterflies you feel in the pit of your stomach? Yeah, they are there too.
So imagine you’re in an elevator, which is on a roller coaster, climbing this big hill, on the way to a big presentation and you’re waiting for those test results to come back… It’s kind of like that. And now multiply that by 1000. And then you notice your palms are sweaty and your face is flushed. Your body is shaking and you can’t sit still. You can’t help but pace back and forth. Your breathing is shallow and your heart is pounding. And now you’re crying. Bawling actually because you can’t stop thinking. Thinking about what, you may ask. Everything, you are thinking of everything.
And all of this happens to me. It’s not always this intense. But I deal with it every day. Every gosh darn day. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. Although I’m lucky if I get sleep. It makes me so tired. I fight a battle every day. The mind madness is exhausting. And then I go to sleep and do it all over again the next day. Some days I can tell it to leave me alone and it does. Other days it becomes too much, and I crumble.
Trying to explain this is so difficult. I’ll never be able to put it all in words.