I hate anxiety. I was greeted with it this morning and I couldn’t fight it today. Next thing I knew I had tears streaming down my face, and was shaking. My breathing had quickened and my heart was beating so fast. It had been the first attack I’ve had in a few months and it completely consumed me. There I was, sitting on my bed, rocking back and forth, bawling my eyes out, trying to breathe. I had a million thoughts running through my head, looking back now I couldn’t tell you what they were. Everything was happening so fast and I couldn’t control it. All I could do was let it happen. I had no fight in me today. I forgot just how debilitating anxiety can be when it comes out full force. Every possible negative thought went through my head. My anxiety was feeding off my fear, emotions and my lack of sleep.
Over the years, after many attacks, I’ve come to recognize the signs of my body calming down. It starts with my breathing. My chest is on fire at this point after hyperventilating but I know that I have to do. Slow it down. Inhale and hold. Exhale and hold. Over and over. Tears are still falling but I can feel my body begin to relax. And finally, I made it through. There’s a pile of used kleenex on my bed, my eyes are red and puffy, my entire body hurts and I’m hot and sweaty.
But holy heck, I made it through. I went through all of that in 10 minutes. 10 minutes that actually felt like 3 hours. Here I sit, hours later… completely exhausted, dehydrated and trying to recuperate. I survived my anxiety. It put me out of commission for today. But I made it through. Another day, another battle, against my mind and I won.