I want to start writing again… more often… but I am having a really hard time starting. What do I talk about? Is anyone actually going to read this? Does it sound like I am just re-telling the same story over and over? I have no idea… but let’s giver a shot.
Here we go…
I celebrated my birthday last month. Another trip around the sun, another year older, another year wiser… is it weird if I say that I am still not 100% sure on what I want to be when I grow up?! I do know that I want to be happy… sounds silly or even kind of ridiculous… but how many people can truly say that they are happy? I have been working hard on myself, through psychotherapy and my therapist has helped me so much. She’s helped me through jobs, unemployment, breakups and makeups. We’ve done a lot of work on how I treat/look at myself and talk to myself. I have always been a negative self talker, I can even remember doing it as a child in elementary school. She made me realize that I can be too hard on myself and that it’s okay to say “no” or “not today” or “I could use some help”. I don’t have to do everything on my own, I can put down the heavy stuff. I don’t need to carry it all the time. We’ve also been working on boundaries and what those look like for me. I’ve put some up, and I am doing my best to stick with them. Over the past year I have removed myself from some toxic situations and relationships, and I feel lighter. More free. It wasn’t easy, and a lot of tears were cried but I don’t regret any of it.
I recently did something I never thought I would do. Here’s the story… I attended a Toronto Blue Jays game a couple of weeks ago and our seats were located in the 500 level. I had never sat up there before and I was nervous, I don’t like heights and I don’t like crowds. Thankfully my sister and I got there early, so not many people were in their seats yet and we checked it out. I felt okay, I knew where my seat was, the bathroom, etc. so then we went exploring the concourse area. (Yay, walking through crowds of people.) But I did it. I wasn’t sure how I would feel once everyone was in their seats for the game…would it be too much? Was I going to get claustrophobic? I really didn’t know what to expect but I had this strange feeling… I felt good, optimistic, and I realized I was so happy to just be there. Taking in the atmosphere of a live baseball game and watching a decent Blue Jays team. The smell of popcorn, pizza and hot dogs. I knew it, I could do this.
Once everyone started getting to their seats, I got a little anxious, as the crowd around me started to get bigger. But I was so determined to be there and be present. I concentrated on the game, and being surrounded by some of the wonderful players I coach, their families, and other coaches. I was surrounded by people who knew me and cared about me. I was going to be okay. I lost count how many times I heard “Coach Hilary” that night, but I am really okay with that, because every time I heard it, a smile would form on my face. I won’t lie, my leg bounced up and down the entire game, (if you have anxiety you know exactly the leg bounce I am talking about), but I was not going to allow the anxiety to take this experience from me. I told my sister before the game that I wasn’t sure if I would last all 9 innings… but I did!! To say I am proud of myself is an understatement. The Blue Jays unfortunately didn’t win that night, but in my books I sure as hell did.
I’m a new medication routine. It’s been over 3 months now, and I do feel better than I have all year. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this week, to check-in. I’m trying my best right now, while juggling other stuff on top of my anxiety and depression.
Ready to figure out next steps… try new things or even old things for that matter. I want to be me, unapologetically. I want to do all the things but also some days I don’t want to do any of the things. I will show up and do my best every time, (whatever that looks like). I promise to keep writing.
Progress… no matter how small… still counts.
Talk soon,
h.
Conquering Mind Madness 
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