2024… you damaged me, healed me, confused me and pushed me…
I remember the day I looked in the mirror and did not recognize the person looking back at me. I was shopping for a new outfit for a date. It was January. How did I get to that place? How did I let myself get so far gone? My body was not what it used to be. At that moment, I didn’t love myself. Hatred towards myself for a brief while could be used to describe how I was feeling. I was numb, trying to figure out which way was up.
I had to make a really tough decision, give up on something I thought I loved or take what I learned and let it go. As much as I wanted to continue on, I knew I had to walk away. My heart was broken but my mental health needed it. As painful as it was, I needed to do it. It’s not easy explaining how something you loved so much broke you into a million little pieces.
It’s not easy explaining how depressed you are. It’s not easy explaining your anxiousness to others. It’s just not easy. It’s more often than not a struggle.
I knew things had to change, I had to change and inevitably, had to heal. Moving on and processing is not easy but I knew deep down it had to be done. My self-esteem was low. I was ashamed and so very lost. I needed to find myself again, find my voice.
I thought I was happy, and at times I was. I knew the truth deep down, I was trying to be someone that just wasn’t me. I found myself trying to be a version of myself for somebody else, but it wasn’t me. I wouldn’t allow myself to be manipulated or used this time. My heart, love and generosity wouldn’t be taken advantage of anymore.
Even through all the heartache I endured, I found an amazing group of friends. The kind that; shows up for my birthday, includes me, that makes me laugh until my face hurts. The kind of people that I can be myself around, talk for hours about everything, about nothing. They helped me heal more than they know.
Boundaries by definition are hard, especially when you have a history with someone. But, I learned that they need to be put in place for my own wellbeing. I needed to protect myself from getting hurt again, because some people don’t change. Why didn’t I just cut out the toxic people? It’s a lot more complicated than that. I was recently reminded that just because I would do something for someone, doesn’t mean they would do the same for me.
The growth. The healing. I am doing it. Piece by piece, putting myself back together. The better version, a newer version of me. It hasn’t been easy. I’m actively in psychotherapy and see my psychiatrist regularly.
2024…
You broke me and made me realize how unhappy I was. You forced me to make changes… positive changes. You forced me to start loving myself, accepting who I am and where I was at. It was hard, painful and some days a complete damn struggle. At the end of the day, however, I will say thank you. You brought wonderful people into my life and had others show their true colours. I won’t miss you, but I also won’t forget you and the lessons I learned. I traveled to watch football games and coach hockey games, making everlasting memories, I stepped out of my comfort zone and felt good about it. I was proud of myself then and I am proud of myself now.
2025…
I hope you are good to me. I am going to continue to work on myself and do what makes ME happy to stay true to myself. I am going to love with my whole heart while keeping my heart protected. This year I will persevere. I’m going to continue to help others while working on my own personal growth. Coaching is my happy place, and I look forward to the rest of the hockey season and for baseball.
As one of my favourite artists said … “are you ready for it?”
h.
Conquering Mind Madness 
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