The Rebuild – Part 2

A recent update

Here I sit, with the glow of the Christmas tree lights reflecting off the window as it snows outside. It’s the end of November and I decided to finally sit down and write.

After a very successful summer with my personal growth being at an all-time high, a new opportunity presented itself. One I couldn’t turn away, one that made me question my situation at the time and really pushed me to do something for myself. I thought I had my life figured out. I was ready to go back to school, work part-time, coach. Life was good. Or at least it seemed like it was. Then this new job came, and it flipped my world upside down. I read the description and was like, this is it. This is my dream job. I knew I had to apply because I couldn’t let it go. I would have regretted not applying for it. Long story short…I applied, and I got it.

I have talked about it before, change is scary. Change for me is hard. I’m a planner, I like lists, and colour coded things. I am the type of person who needs a routine to be successful. This doesn’t have to be a daily routine, but just consistency wherever possible, without it being obsessive. I accepted the job and the changes started.

I was leaving a job that I loved but felt like there was nothing left for me there. I learned so much about myself while working there and what the world needs for the youth of today to be successful. It’s the place I met one of my best friends and he will forever be my work bestie. He got me through some rough times, and I’d like to think he’d say the same about me. The stories we could share…hahaha I smile just thinking about them.

With every new hello there are goodbyes to be said. There were some easy goodbyes and some hard ones. I was leaving my comfort zone…literally. But I was so excited for a fresh start. I’ve been with my new job for almost 2 months and to say that I love it would be an understatement. It’s so nice to come home and be happy after a day of work. Exhausted but happy. My second week there I knew I made the right decision. And the even better part…I haven’t had to deal with much anxiety since starting. I mean I still deal with it every day, but I am not having nearly as many anxiety attacks as I was previously. The change in environment, co-workers, expectations has helped my mental health. I remember having to go somewhere for a meeting, I got there early because I hate being late, and I texted my sister saying that I got there safely, and I wasn’t anxious about this meeting I was walking into. I told her that I didn’t know where this new version of myself came from but damn, did I love her. I’m excited to get up and go to work. I’m excited to put my passion into my work and being rewarded for it.

A look inside

I learned that sometimes you can only rely on yourself. I learned this the hard way when my mom was going through treatment for breast cancer. I don’t know how many people can say that they can pick themselves up off the floor after being heartbroken, ignored, pushed aside, forgotten, or hurt. No one should ever have to do that. But I have. Literally, picked myself up off the kitchen floor after a bad day that ended with insomnia and an anxiety attack. I felt as though I had no one that I could reach out to. No one that would answer my text or my phone call. Or know what to say to me. So, I’ve been doing it for myself by myself. I think there is a positive side and a negative side to this. The strength I have to do this is unlike anything else. But having said that, no one should ever feel that way. So alone or misunderstood. Yes, I have people I can reach out to that will answer my text and/or phone call. But when you’re in that vulnerable state it’s not easy to reach out. The fear of rejection, being misunderstood, and pitied is too hard to bear. That you would rather suffer alone than risk being turned away.  Living with a mental illness is never easy. If someone tells you that it is, I’d love to know how on earth that is possible. I am not saying this to be a pessimist. But there are so many contributing factors when it comes to mental health and mental illness. And some of these things are simply out of our control, out of our hands. I can give you an example right now, day light savings time. The clocks recently went back an hour, and I cannot begin to tell you what that does to me. It throws me completely off.

If you know me personally or just by reading my blogs, you likely know that I am a very emotional person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love with my whole heart. I have always been this way. I love this about me, but it also opens me up to heartache. Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve had my heart broken a few times hahaha…But with every broken heart I learn something. The last time I had my heart broken it hurt unlike anything I have felt before. I could cry right now just thinking about it. As I am still trying to put the broken pieces back together, I will tell you that through, even this heartache, I have grown. I was reminded of what I need and deserve. I remembered that I am whole all by myself, that I don’t need someone else to complete me.

I can love myself. There was a time in my life where I wouldn’t have been able to say that without cringing. But today, right now, at the age of 30 I can finally say it, mean it and believe it. My heart is so full of love and I chose who I give that to. I know what it is like to be angry at the world, and for me it was exhausting. I know what it is like to lose your best friend, and then to have them come back into your life. And play a vital role. There are scars there but they are healing over time. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and watching her go through that I learned that life is too short. It is too short to be angry, too short to hold your feelings inside, too short to push things to the side and say you will get to them one day. Life is so precious. So, forgive that person who hurt you. You owe that to yourself, not to them. Find peace with those who are no longer in your life. Do it for yourself, not them. Love who you love and tell them that you do.

Reach out for help when you need it, there is NO shame in doing this. As hard as it may be.

Write that message, send that text, reach out and start the conversation with that person that has been on your mind lately.

Pull yourself up off the floor, push out of your comfort zone, clap for yourself, do what you need to do to be happy.

Rebuild what you need to. And never stop fighting.

h.