My struggle

What do you do when you are scrolling through your phone looking for someone to text and then you realize how many of your texts have gone unanswered. Do you keep trying or do you leave it? My anxiety tells me, it is me, I’m the problem. My constant “mental illness flare ups”, my “anxiety quirks”, or whatever you want to call them, might be a problem for you. Imagine, living with those “flare ups” and “quirks”. Needing constant reassurance that I CAN do something even when my anxiety tells me otherwise. Asking silly questions because I cannot make a decision on my own at that specific time. But one thing I have learned from living with mental illnesses is that I am who I am. A friend recently reminded me that I do not settle. And damn I needed to hear that. You can take me as I am or leave. It is that simple.

Life has thrown a curve ball or two my way over the past couple weeks. And those have caused me a lot of anxiety, a lot of tears and a lot of tossing and turning at night. I sit here now, trying to type but it is hard to see with the tears streaming down my face. A recent, unexpected death in the family has turned my life upside down. Trying to grieve during a time like this, a time where we must stay 6 ft apart, wear a mask and have very limited physical contact. It is beyond strange and I don’t like it. Also crying while wearing a mask is the most awkward thing. I am struggling right now. Struggling with feeling lonely. It is an awful feeling when I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Stuck in my own world. It is hard reaching out to people and getting no response. I can feel myself crawling back into a hole, where my walls are up, and I keep myself guarded. Afraid of being hurt again. It is exhausting opening up to someone to have them disappear from your life.

There is so much going on right now, I feel like I just got off a merry go round, but the spinning never stops. I cannot make it stop. It is out of my control and I cannot stand that. I’m sad, lonely, angry, exhausted, disappointed…the list could go on and on.

Some people have anxious moments, feel some sort nervousness. Especially during 2020. But usually theirs goes away. Mine does not. I live 24/7 with it. I am in a constant fight against myself. A war. A battle. I take 10 pills a day. 3 different kinds. I have a weekly Sunday – Saturday medication organizer. The morning, noon, evening, and bedtime one. I watch my caffeine intake. I’m exercising daily. And pushing my boundaries. I’m writing in my journal every day. I’m staying hydrated. I’m doing everything possible to conquer my mind madness.

Some days it feels like enough, other days not so much.

But I have to keep going.


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