Facebook notified me one day last week that I had some memories to look back on. I started scrolling through and then one stole my breath. It was a post from 6 years ago, from my boyfriend at the time. He wrote “love you :)”…… It brought up a lot more emotions than I expected and it really got me thinking. He was my first love and didn’t someone somewhere say that you never really get over your first love…
I often get asked why I’m single, you know the usual at large family gatherings. I usually laugh it off and say “Oh, I’m too busy” … or friends have suggested I try online dating. But I’ve always had this feeling, like deep down, that if I couldn’t truly love myself why would I going looking for someone else to? (Yes, I understand that I’m loved by so many). I’m talking about a significant other, a boyfriend. Why should I be looking for someone else to love me? Why can’t I love me first? Why do I need to look for the love I know I deserve, from someone else?
Last fall, I couldn’t bring myself to go to a family gathering. I sat in the car by myself crying. I finally hit rock bottom. My depression and anxiety had completely taken over and I knew I had to reach out for help. I did just that. Ever since that dark, rainy Friday night I’ve been building myself back up again. At that time I had no self confidence and I hated myself. But I sit here tonight, and I can say that I do in fact love myself. Oh my goodness gracious…. I said it and meant it!!! (Insert happy dance)
It’s a constant work in progress and I know I still have a lot to do. But it’s an important part of my journey.
My great-grandma always used to say “there’s a lid for every pot”. I know I deserve to be loved and look forward to one day falling in love again. But I think it’s pretty cool that I can now look myself in the mirror and honestly say ” I love you”.