Living with mental illness has taught me a lot. Some good and some not so good. I have come to the sad realization that my depression can trick me into thinking that I am unlovable. That I am not worthy of being loved by myself or others. My very own nightmare. (I do realize that this is untrue). I know that I am loved, and I am continuing to work on loving my true authentic self. But every once in a while, that damn dark cloud of depression comes back to remind me that I’ve had my heart broken, been forgotten about and left behind by various people through out my life. And it tells me that because it has happened in the past it WILL happen again.
It’s been a rough year. I have been through some of the most difficult crap I might ever go through in my lifetime. And facing all of these challenges has led me to see how easily it can be for someone who is dealing with mental health issues to fall into a dark and scary place. Being alone with your depression and anxiety can leave you spiraling. Well, that part happens to me anyway. I am my own worst critic and I have been this way since I was little. Today, as I write this, I am crying. Because at this very moment I feel alone. Alone is a scary place to be, but alone with your thoughts can be a very scary place. Nobody wants to feel this way. But here I am. Yes, I know I am loved by so many. But I wish my brain would believe that. My depression makes me remember all the bad shit. It brings those thoughts, those memories to the forefront and dangles them in front of me. God, I hope this is making sense. It can be easy for someone dealing with a mental illness to forget how loved they are. Stigmas don’t help either. So many people hide what they are going through and how they are feeling. In fear of being judged. It has happened to me more than once. So, what happens next…we can withdraw further. We can put up walls to keep people out. Put on a show that everything is okay when you are completely falling apart on the inside.
On days like today, I have the reoccurring thought that I am going to be alone forever. I have had to face so many things on my own, that I expect that is how I will handle everything now. It has become my new normal. To do things on my own. Which can be a good thing, in a way. This way I know that I can face shit and deal with it. But also, who wants to face the hard parts of life alone? Who wants to sit on their bedroom floor sobbing because they’re tired of facing new and reoccurring battles on their own? Who wants to scroll through their contact list and when you get to the end it hits you that you don’t have someone to call? All you have is yourself and then you wonder if you are enough.
My heart has been so broken, I don’t know if it will ever go back to the way, it once was. When will I receive the love I so easily give away to others? Will I ever? This is the way my chemically imbalanced depressed and anxious mind works. These are thoughts I have. And when it’s bad, I obsess. They are all I think about. I don’t understand how I can be so easily walked away from. How easily I can be forgotten about. I don’t understand it. And that is the worst part.
I also have days where I think that I am unlovable because of my depression and anxiety. Who wants to put up with me? Who wants to love me? Who wants to hold me on my bad days? Who wants to reassure me that I am okay and that I am safe? Are there people out there like that? God, I hope there is.
I am now officially out of tears. My eyes are sore, and I am exhausted.
Tomorrow is a new day. Who knows maybe I’ll wake up and love myself without any doubts and the dark depression cloud will have disappeared? I hope so. All I can do is hope for a better day. And that is what I will do. I will hope every day if I have to.