I’ve come to a fork in the road. I’m at a crossroad in my journey. And I don’t know what to do…do I turn around, do I go left, right, up, or down….? I fight my own mind every day. Constantly dealing with and sorting through anxiety ridden thoughts and feelings. Remembering what is real and what I can control. But my anxiety is so persistent that I do this almost every second of every day. It’s the way my brain works. I’m forever fighting off negative self-talk and feelings of being not good enough.
And I’ve come to learn that people won’t always believe me when I say I have anxiety and depression. I could tell them everything that I have gone through, the medication, doctors notes and yet it still would not be good enough for some people. And that is one of the most frustrating things ever.
We have come a long way in recognizing mental illness, don’t get me wrong. But yet here I sit with tears running down my face because I’m fighting for things I shouldn’t have to be fighting for. The stigma is still out there. People say they understand but they don’t. People say they will help but they don’t. People say they will accommodate but they don’t. People talk a lot of talk and make things look pretty on the outside, but it’s people like me who find out and must deal with the fact that things haven’t changed. Steps aren’t in place. Things aren’t right.
So here I am, battling my own mind and having to stick up for myself and fight for what I deserve. Mental illness hasn’t stopped me yet and it’s not about to stop me now.
Here I stand at this crossroad, a choice to be made. Not sure which way to turn, but I know I’ll figure out which way is best for me.
This is what my mental illness looks like.